


The End We Always Knew

by wormfanatic



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, AsaNoya - Freeform, Asanoya Week 2020, Cancer, Character Death, Hospice, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mostly AsaNoya, Post-Canon, but some other ships here and there!, i haven't posted a lot of fics before so uhh, i kind of wrote this for asanoya week 2020?, this is a sad fic, this shit is gonna be sad warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:49:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25871638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wormfanatic/pseuds/wormfanatic
Summary: Noya thought he and Asahi would have the rest of their lives together. He was wrong.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shimizu Kiyoko/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 67
Kudos: 142
Collections: Asanoya (main pairing), Asanoya Week 2020





	1. Let Me Be the One Who Holds You

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this. Pancreatic cancer is something that has affected those incredibly close to me. This story and these characters are so important to me. Sorry for putting Noya and Asahi through so much.

With the ticking of the clock, the hours drew by. Noya didn’t care how long it had been since he’d first arrived or how much time was left in visiting hours, he just needed to stay here. To stay awake for Asahi whenever he woke up. 

He sat beside Asahi, chair pushed as close to his bed as possible. Noya had curled himself into a tight ball, one hand reaching out to hold his husband’s. Those hands were still large, still dwarfing Noya’s, but all the power and warmth that had always been in them was gone. Asahi’s bones felt brittle under the skin. His ace was meant to have a heart of glass. That was what made him Asahi Azumane. He wasn’t supposed to have a body made of it as well.

“Yuu?” Asahi whispered, his voice slurred from sleep. Noya jerked himself out of his thoughts and forced himself to smile. “You okay? Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“Nah, you didn’t wake me. How could I sleep with your snoring? Dummy.” Noya leaned over and kissed his forehead. “You’re the one who should keep sleeping anyway.”

“What if I said I just want to look at you?” The tiniest of smiles curled at Asahi’s lips. Even after all these years, Noya’s heart beat faster. He’d realized he loved Asahi his second year, all because of a fight and a broken broom. It hadn’t stopped beating since. “You won’t tell me to go back to sleep then. You’re too narcissistic to say no.”

“Shut up. Admit it, you’d rather me keep looking at you. You’re way more jealous than everyone thinks you are,” Noya said, poking him in the ribs with his free hand. Asahi laughed, but within moments it fizzled out into a cough. Noya fell silent, words falling flat on his tongue. He’d been quieter these past two years than he had in his whole life. There was no witty comment to lovingly tease him with. Not anymore. 

The truth was, Asahi was far vainer than he let on. When his hair had started falling out, he’d stared at the clumps in his hands and wouldn’t respond, no matter how hard Noya held him. They had thought that would’ve been the worst of it. Before things had gotten truly, terribly bad, he’d been wearing beanies around the house, mildly freaking out that he looked even more like some sort of delinquent. But here, in the hospital, with its eggshell-colored walls and choking sterile smell, there was nothing to hide how sick he truly was. Nothing to shield the two of them from the fact that death was waiting for Asahi. That no matter how hard he tried to forget, Asahi wasn’t going to survive to see next year. 

Noya’s phone buzzed. He ignored it and continued to hold Asahi’s hand. Grabbing his phone from his pocket would’ve forced him to let go. His cell vibrated again. He didn’t want to pick it up, didn’t want to burst the bubble he’d made with his husband. He couldn’t pretend everything was okay in this bubble, but here it was just the two of them. No one to interrupt their time together.

“Hey, it’s probably Tanaka. Answer it, I want to hear the news.” Asahi wiggled his hand out of Noya’s grip. The phone vibrated once more. “Wasn’t their appointment today?”

“Yeah,” Noya answered, shame welling up in his chest. He’d forgotten about some of the most important news in his best friend’s life. He’d been forgetting more lately, about little things that he usually never forgot, like sending a care package to Hinata, but bigger things too, like his little sister’s birthday. If Ryuu knew he’d forgotten about this, he’d never forgive him. 

He opened Tanaka’s messages. One consisted of a blurry ultrasound photo, the next text that just said  _ noya look omfg can i call you _ , and then, one frantic message apologizing if he had woken Asahi up. “He wants to know if he can call me.”

“Go ahead. I miss him and besides, I want to hear Kiyoko too.” Asahi sat up and scooted to the edge of the hospital bed, careful not to bump into any of the machines surrounding him. Noya leaned in close as the facetime call rang, burrowing into Asahi’s chest. His heart still beat as it always had, strong and sure. Noya uncurled himself the tiniest bit to press a kiss to Asahi’s jawline. It was, after all, the only way to reach his face. 

“What was that for?”

“I like you. Duh.” Noya turned his face into Asahi’s chest. Asahi’s chest rumbled with a low chuckle. Like this, with his face turned away and his nose inhaling Asahi’s scent, he could pretend that they were on the couch at home. He felt Asahi wrap his arms around him and press a kiss to his hair.

“I’d hope so. I mean, I’d be helpless without you.”

_ That’s not true. I’m the one that’s helpless when you’re not with me.  _ Noya forced himself to turn out of his sanctuary in Asahi’s chest and angled the phone so that Tanaka would be able to see both of them.

Moments later, Ryuunosuke Tanaka’s face filled the screen, his eyes leaking happy tears. “Guys. I’m gonna puke. I’m seriously gonna puke. It’s a girl! I’m gonna be a dad!” He started sobbing now. “I’m a dad!”

“Hell yeah you are!! We’re uncles, Asahi!” Noya pumped his fist in the air. Asahi gave him an affirmative, happy squeeze. 

“Wait, fuck, I’m gonna be a dad, holy shit how does anyone expect me to raise a child what the-”

“You’ve known you’ve been a dad for months now, Ryuu. Why is this anything different?”

“I dunno-wait, Kiyoko, baby, we’re parents! We’re having a daughter!” His face fell. “Oh my god, I’m gonna accidentally kill our baby, she’ll crawl in the oven or fall off the counter or something-”

“Listen here, Kiyoko wouldn’t have married you if she thought you were gonna kill her children, because she’s way smarter than both of us combined. And remember, Kiyoko’s a goddess. You’re still just a lowly commoner. Now put her on the phone so she can grace us with her presence already. And stop crying, you dumbass. The picture you sent makes your kid look like lasagna.”

“I’ll kick your ass, punk! She doesn’t look anything like lasagna!”

“Ryuu…” Kiyoko said from offscreen. Her face came into view as she took the phone away and smiled. “So now you’ve heard the news. Just a few more months and she’ll be here! You’ll be losing your room at our house, Noya.”

“That’s okay, I haven’t needed it for a while now.” Noya kissed Asahi’s temple, which as always, made him jump. “Not with this dope.”

Asahi snorted. “Can you stop insulting me and let me talk already? Anyways, congratulations Kiyoko! Have you guys been thinking of names recently?” He bent down and snatched the phone away, delighted to see his former classmate. 

“I have a few in mind. Ryuu, on the other hand…” Kiyoko winced. “He’s not very good with the naming part. There’s been a few horrible ones.”

Noya jolted upright, almost sending his phone flying from Asahi’s hands. “Oh really? Spill. Gimme the dirt on Ryuu’s shitty naming skills.” He neglected to mention that he had, in fact, helped Tanaka with quite a few of them.

“Excuse me, Mr. Nishinoya?” A nurse poked her head into the room. “May I see you outside?”

“Yeah, course. Sorry, Kiyoko, I gotta go. Be right back.” Noya uncurled himself from the chair and Asahi’s embrace, then followed the nurse out into the hallway. “Everything alright? Is he looking okay?”

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’ve got some bad news. The doctors have been discussing Mr. Azumane’s treatments. You’ve seen the results. You know that the experimental procedures haven’t been working. His most recent tests have just shown him worsening. Mr. Azumane’s doctors and specialists think that at this point, hospice care is the best option.”

The world crumbled around Nishinoya, a dull roar sounding in his ears. For a minute, he thought he might fall, like in the movies, but when he blinked, the nurse was still in front of him, pity shining in her eyes. He wanted to run. Turn away and run back into the room and lock the door. As irrational as it was, he wanted to protect Asahi. But how could he protect him from something inside him? Something that had begun so small, then taken over his pancreas, infected his liver. How could he stop something like that? How could Asahi survive against something like that?

“What?” His voice didn’t sound like his own. This was someone else speaking through Yuu Nishinoya. “He’s not dying! He’s getting better! Isn’t...isn’t he?”

He’d thought about life without Asahi. He knew he didn’t have much time left. But to hear the words from someone else’s mouth was too much to bear. To have it confirmed made him feel so small and alone. He was drowning, drowning in the realization that was his reality and Asahi wasn’t going to have some kind of miraculous recovery. 

“I know you’ve discussed the possibility of it, but now, this is more than a possibility. Mr. Azumane’s time is...limited. I know his doctors and specialists have already had this discussion with him. We just wanted to let you know about it before the two of you discuss it.”

“Okay,” Noya murmured. The nurse kept speaking, but he no longer listened. “I’m sorry. I’ll-I’ll talk to him. I just need a minute to...to get some air.” Without waiting for her response, he started walking away. His legs shook on the long walk to the elevator. He pressed the button. He’d always prided himself on being unshakable, he had for years. He had been Karasuno’s Guardian Deity. He’d traveled the world. He’d relished being truly free from any sort of responsibility, something that scared a lot of people. He’d faced the fact that he needed to be responsible. He’d joined the pro leagues, finally been content with his life. But to think of Asahi gone, to think of watching Asahi die...

The elevator doors opened. Noya stepped inside. He felt like a coward for running. He’d blamed Asahi for that, all those years ago. Now he was the one running away from things he didn’t want to face. He was the one who couldn’t face this feeling inside of him, this bitter emotion that was pressing into his heart, crushing his lungs so he couldn’t breathe. As the elevator descended, as the distance between him and Asahi widened, his grief began to scoop at his insides.

The doors opened. He tore out of them, not caring that people turned to stare, that some wondered why he looked vaguely familiar-he just needed to get out. He sprinted through the sliding doors, until finally,  _ finally,  _ he was outside. His chest heaving, he looked around until he found where he needed to go. 

He forced himself to walk to the tiny square just outside the hospital. Wooden benches were placed in such a way that one could look at the river, at the koi fish swimming through clear blue waters. It was meant to feel peaceful, a place for people to think in silence, but to Noya, it was a refuge. It was somewhere he could pretend he wasn’t right outside a hospital.

_ Hospice. Limited time.  _ The nurse’s words rattled around in his head until they lost their meaning. Why couldn’t it have been him? Why had the world decided to take Asahi away from him? It wasn’t fair. Not when they finally had the life they wanted, the life they’d discussed in Noya’s third year.

_ What do you think about forever?  _ Noya had asked, their legs tangled up in the sheets of his bed.  _ You and me. A little house, near your job. A yard for a dog. Me playing in the pro leagues. _

Asahi had pulled him close then, his breath tickling Noya’s neck.  _ How big of a dog? I’m scared of big animals. Especially your dog. She’s terrifying. Every day I come over, I’m worried she’s going to eat me.  _

_ Shut up! Momo loves you more than me. But we’ll get whatever size you want. I promise. But before all that, I’m gonna travel the world. There’s so much to see outside of Miyagi. Hell, outside of Japan. And then I’ll join the pro leagues and pretend to be a responsible adult, and after I’m done with that, I’ll start coaching and then I’ll come home to you in the evenings and we’ll spend our nights just like this.  _ Noya started to kiss him, in the low, sweet way he knew Asahi adored. He tangled his hands in his hair, gently undoing his bun so it fell around Asahi’s shoulders. Asahi tugged his lips away, eyes bright. Noya watched him swallow nervously. 

_ I-I don’t even need all that, Yuu. All I need is you in my life.  _ Then a furiously blushing Asahi had pulled the grinning Noya on top of him and any kind of real conversation had ended right there.

_ Why did we have to cut it all so short?  _ Noya grabbed at the chain at his throat, at the ring hidden just below his t-shirt.  _ Why does he have to leave me? Why, when I need him to be with me forever? _

Noya swallowed back his tears, the metal of his ring cutting into his palm. He wasn’t going to cry. He was going to stay strong, because Asahi  _ needed  _ him and if he cried, then Asahi would cry as well. When Asahi cried, it was so wrenching and guttural and no matter how hard Noya tried to make him feel better, he always just felt so... helpless.

After twenty minutes of forcing himself to calm down, to bury all of his emotions where nothing could get to him, he stood and made his way back up to the hospital, taking the stairs to get there slower. The hallway to Asahi’s room stretched before him. His steps grew slower and more sluggish. Deep down, a tiny, foolish part of him feared that when he opened the door, Asahi would already be gone. When he arrived outside, Noya pressed his ear to the door. Asahi was still talking on the phone.

“I don’t know, Kiyoko. Can you get Ryuu to talk to him? He barely eats or sleeps. He took a leave of absence from the team. He just goes between home and here, spending all this time at my side. I-I don’t know how to tell him that he needs to take c-care… of himself, too.” A pause. “Yes. I...thank you, Kiyoko. You always were the most cool-headed of us. Bye, now .  Call again soon, okay?” Noya heard Asahi sigh, a heavy drained noise that meant he was leaning his head against the headboard of his hospital bed in exhaustion.  _ Oh. Well, shit. _

He opened the door. “Hey, lover boy. Miss me?” He kissed Asahi, then flopped back down into his chair.

“Where were you?” Asahi asked, handing him back his phone. “The nurse said you left. I was worried about you.”

“I just needed some air. I’m fine now. She wanted to talk about...hospice care for you. I guess I wasn’t ready for that.” Noya’s stomach twisted. “Is that selfish? I don’t want to think about this, Asahi, I don’t want to lose you. I can't leave you. I know I should take care of myself like you want, but I can’t leave you alone because I can’t have you slipping away from me yet!  _ I don’t want to think about you dying-” _ His voice rose as he spoke. He knew Asahi could hear the dry sobs he was holding back, but he didn’t care. He’d worked so hard to stay strong for him, to shove his emotions down, but finding out that he was still making mistakes, still making Asahi worry-it was too much to bear.

His words fell flat on his tongue as Asahi reached out and clasped Noya’s hands between his own. 

“Yuu. Yuu, my love. My heart. I know all of that.” Liquid welled in his eyes. “But you are the best thing that’s ever happened to a guy like me. I know what’s going to happen soon. Far, far faster than I want. And I’d rather spend this borrowed time with you than fighting for my life here.” He didn’t let go of Noya’s hands, simply pulled them to his chest. Bent down and kissed Noya’s knuckles with only a light brush of his lips. Once, that had been Noya’s gesture to Asahi, for when he was too anxious or on the verge of a panic attack. A simple, reassuring gesture, one that meant  _ I’m here. I love you, and I’m here. _

“When did you get so strong? Why didn’t I notice?” Noya’s voice cracked. “My glass-hearted ace. You’re right, but I just don’t want to give up. I don’t want to watch you wither away. I  _ can’t. _ ”

Asahi let go of his hands, drew him onto the edge of the bed. Sat up straight and folded his legs under him, gesturing for Noya to come in closer. They sat face to face now, and Asahi tugged him onto his lap. “Let me be the one who holds you right now, alright? We don’t have to talk. That can come later. Just let me be here for you, like you’ve been for me.”

And only then, wrapped in the familiar safety of Asahi’s arms, did Noya begin to cry.


	2. Interlude: The Kiss

_ Today, just a few days before Spring Nationals, he isn’t walking home with Daichi and Suga, like usual. And for some reason, Tanaka isn’t here either. It’s just him and Nishinoya, and that makes Asahi want to vomit from nerves. After practice, the team’s gone their separate ways after stopping at Ukai’s store. Noya’s just finished munching on an ice pop, and he playfully knocks against Asahi’s shoulder, causing him to jump. _

_ “What’s up, Asahi? You’re even jumpier than usual.” If he tells Nishinoya exactly what’s running through his head, he’ll never be able to speak to him again. Nishinoya looks up at him with those large, bright eyes. Asahi gulps. “Is everything okay?” _

_ “Y-Yeah. Just wondering where everyone is.” He regrets the words immediately as Noya’s face falls. “Not that I don’t like hanging out with you, Nishinoya!” _

_ Nishinoya instantly brightens and laughs. His laugh is loud, reminding Asahi of the world’s happiest cackling bird. “Don’t worry, Asahi! Tanaka had to run and get something for Saeko. Trust me, he’s not happy about running her errands. And Suga’s busy helping Daichi watch his siblings while his parents are on vacation.” _

_ “Yeah, Daichi’s brothers are...something. I don’t sleep over at the Sawamura house anymore. They’re all absolute monsters,” Asahi says. “Wait, that’s not nice, I shouldn’t say that-” _

_ “Stop apologizing, Asahi! Especially when I agree with you. We need to get you some more confidence.” Noya beams at him, and Asahi’s heart starts beating faster. “You’re plenty cool, you just don’t think of yourself that way.” _

_ “You think I’m c-cool?” Why does he always stutter when Noya’s involved? Stupid. Sheepishly, Asahi rubs a hand on the back of his neck. “Not a lot of people say that.” _

_ “Really? I mean you are. Like, not as cool as me, because no one can reach that level, but still cool. I mean, people think you’re scary! I wish people thought I was that scary! Instead I get mistaken for a middle schooler.” _

_ “It’s not that fun being scary. All I do is walk to the store and people cross the street to get away. If I’m being honest, it’s...well, it’s lonely. Maybe if I cut my hair, they wouldn’t-” _

_ “Don’t!” Nishinoya bursts out. “It’s cool! Seriously. And I like it.” _

_ “You do?” Asahi instantly makes the decision to never get a haircut ever again. Nishinoya punches him in the stomach. It is, after all, the easiest place for him to reach. Asahi yelps in surprise. _

_ “Yeah, totally. Would I ever lie to you?” _

_ “No…” _

_ “You hesitated!” Noya leans in. There’s a storm crackling in his eyes, those beautiful eyes, and Asahi feels his knees go weak. Nishinoya is uncomfortably close now, and Asahi needs to turn and run before he does something he’s  _ really _ gonna regret. “But seriously, you do know I’d never lie to you, right?” _

_ Asahi nods, bending slightly and getting even closer. But once the nod registers to Nishinoya, he jumps a step back until there’s a normal amount of distance between them. The kind of distance between friends. _

Stupid, _ Asahi thinks as he straightens back up to his regular height.  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid. I am the biggest idiot ever.

_ As they walk, Nishinoya keeps chattering. He’s filling the silence, trying to avoid talking about what almost happened. Asahi’s grateful for it, really. He barely knows how to look someone in the eye, let alone hold a conversation. _

_ “Hey, Asahi?” _

_ “Yeah?” _

_ “Do you know it’s been a block since we’ve passed your house?” Noya’s grin is positively wicked.  _

_ “What? Oh my god, this is so embarrassing. Are you serious?” When Asahi looks around, he confirms that yes, he has been so distracted that he’s walked by his own house. This is beyond embarrassing. He wants the ground to swallow him instead of having this moment keep drawing on. _

_ “Are you okay?” Nishinoya asks. “You’ve been weird all afternoon. Is something going on?” _

_ “I’m…” What does he say? He can’t say exactly what he’s so nervous about, not with Nishinoya right here. “I’m so nervous, Nishinoya. About… a lot of stuff, really. Not just about nationals.” _

_ “Okay, then let’s keep walking. You talk to me.” _

_ “I… I don’t think I can.” He expects Noya to snap at him, but Noya just leans against him. Asahi stiffens. What’s he supposed to do now? Whenever Nishinoya’s around, Asahi completely forgets how to act like a normal human being.  _

_ “That’s okay! We can talk about it whenever you’re ready, Asahi.” This close, he’s aware of just how tiny Nishinoya is compared to him. He feels like he could break him at any given moment, even though he knows that’s impossible. He’s just so small and wonderful, so much personality packed into a tiny package, so confident and sure of himself. And although he’s decided to never say it aloud, he’s in love with all those things. He’s in love with Yuu Nishinoya. _

_ “I wouldn’t mind if we keep walking, though,” Asahi says carefully. “There’s a really great park with some nice trees… some, uh… cool birds…” What is he saying? He really is stupid. “I mean, that is, if you don’t need to study or something!” _

_ “I like trees and birds. Besides, do I look like the type who studies?” He grabs Asahi’s arm. “Lead the way, Ace!” _

_ When they arrive at the park, Asahi’s convinced himself he’s going to die by the end of the day. This is probably the longest he’s ever spent with Nishinoya, just the two of them, and he still feels like he could throw up. He’s terrified of making some kind of mistake, of misreading Nishinoya’s signals like he did on the way home. He can never tell what anybody’s thinking, let alone Noya. _

_ Noya points excitedly. “Look! Swings! You should push me.” _

_ “What?” Asahi looks to where Noya’s pointing. There’s an old, rickety swing set with rusted chains, the metal frame covered in chipped red paint.  _

_ “Y’know, push me. I’m always doing it for my sisters, so nobody ever does it for me. If I asked Tanaka, I’d never hear the end of it. Plus, right now, there’s no one around to look at us funny.” _

_ “O-okay,” Asahi stammers, but by then, Noya’s already dragging him over there. “Yeah. I’ll do it.” _

_ “Yes! You’re the best, Asahi!” Noya hops onto the swing. Asahi has never been happier Nishinoya’s facing away from him. He’s blushing up to the tips of his ears. His fingers make contact with Noya’s back, and he pushes. The swing sways the tiniest bit. “C’mon, ace, act like I’m a volleyball! I’m not gonna fall off.” _

_ “Sorry,” Asahi says, and begins to push harder. Noya’s laugh is infectious, and it isn’t long before Asahi finds himself at ease pushing him on the swing, remembering his mother doing the same thing when he was younger. _

_ After a while, Noya leaps off in mid-swing, landing squarely on his feet. “Okay, Asahi, it’s your turn!” _

_ “Wait a moment-” Despite his protests, Noya pushes him towards the swing. Asahi’s body betrays him in that moment, and he winds up tripping over his own feet, landing flat on his ass in the dirt. _

_ “Shit, Asahi, I’m sorry, are you okay?” Noya crouches, extending a hand. His eyes are bright with concern, lips parted slightly in worry. In that second, he’s never looked more ethereal. “Seriously, are you okay? I didn’t mean to make you trip, I’m so sorry-” _

_ And Asahi sits up and kisses him. _

_ It’s nothing more than a chaste peck on the lips, one that can barely be called a kiss, but when he hastily pulls away his face is burning and Noya is silent. He doesn’t dare to breathe. _

_ “Asahi…” _

_ “I’m sorry!” He blurts. “I don’t know what came over me, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry!” _

_ “Shut up,” Noya says, leaning forward, and then he’s the one kissing Asahi and his breath tastes like ice pop and mint, and his hands are in his hair, and his lips are so soft and now Asahi has truly forgotten how to breathe. He cups Noya’s face with his hands and pulls him deeper into the kiss. This is everything he’s been thinking of for months now, something he’s scarcely dared to dream about. It’s definitely not perfect, because neither of them have much experience, and they laugh into one another’s mouths as noses knock together and Asahi’s hair starts to fall out of its bun. _

_ Normally, Asahi would care about doing something like this in public. But right now, he could care less about anyone seeing them. Not when Noya’s right here, deepening their kiss, scrambling onto Asahi’s lap and wrapping his legs around him. To Asahi, time has stopped. His world begins and ends with Nishinoya. _

_ When Noya slowly pulls away, he’s the one blushing now. “I guess I know why you’ve never had a girlfriend, huh?” His eyes widen as what he said sinks in. “Oh my god, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant I never thought you’d be...uh…” _

_ “Me too. I mean like with Kiyoko and stuff, I never figured you’d be into guys.” _

_ “I guess I am now, huh?” Noya pulls him up to his feet, scans the park. He yanks Asahi behind a tree. “I don’t want to think about that right now. I don’t want to think about anything right now. Don’t have the brainpower. Just lean down so I can kiss you again, you dope.” _

_ And Asahi does. _


	3. In the Time We Have Left

In the beginning, hospice wasn’t the grim, sober life Noya expected. The first day, he woke up with Asahi at his side, the taller man hoarding all the blankets to his side of the bed. Noya woke him up with countless tiny kisses until Asahi groaned and pulled Noya on top of him, covering both their heads with the blanket.

“G’morning, my love,” Asahi grumbled, squinting up at Noya. “Happy to have me home?”

“You have no idea,” Nishinoya murmured. “I missed having you here so much. And not just because I couldn’t reach the top shelf.”

“Mm, is that so? Sounds fake to me.” Asahi pushed him off. “Why don’t we just stay in bed? Ours is way better than the one at the hospital.”

_ “Any _ kind of bed is better than the hospital’s.” Noya planted a kiss on the bare skin of his neck, beginning to descend down to his chest. Asahi groaned and pushed him away.

“Yuu, I’d love to get awake like that, but I’m really not feeling good enough to do that.” Shame glimmered in his eyes. “I really, really wish I was. I hate feeling so sick all the time.”

“I know. It sucks.” At that point, it was all Noya could say without making either of them feel worse. He’d never been this bad at communication before, especially not with Asahi. Maybe they had been in the early days of their relationship, but not after being together this long. There was a barrier in their relationship now as Asahi’s illness hung over them like an unwelcome cloud.

He saw the dark expression flit across Noya’s face and poked him in the ribs, just where Noya was the most ticklish. “C’mon. I’ll make you breakfast.” Wrapped in his favorite blanket, Asahi made his way to the kitchen. A wide awake Noya followed close behind. Before, he would’ve already been on a run and showered before Asahi even stirred. But this was now, and this new version of Noya didn’t want to ever let Asahi out of his sight. 

“Shouldn’t I be the one making  _ you  _ breakfast?” Noya said, leaning against the rim of the counter. “Not that I’m complaining.”

“I love you so much, but you’re a horrible cook. You’ll burn these omelettes in a heartbeat.” Asahi began cracking the eggs into a pan. “I really don’t want to clean up burnt eggs when I could just spend all my time with you.”

Noya pressed against his back, circling in him an embrace. “You’re such a sap,” he said. “But you’re  _ my  _ sap, so it evens out.” With more effort than it had once taken, Asahi picked him up and set him on the counter so he could keep looking at him out of the corner of his eye. Ordinarily, Noya would keep looking at him, at all his small mannerisms he was so in love with, but what he couldn’t stop watching was the slight tremor in Asahi’s hands. 

A few hours after breakfast, Asahi’s nurses came around, two small women who fretted over him as much as Noya did. They’d met them before when researching companies, but it was different in their home, lovingly decorated with photos and stupid knickknacks Noya had insisted on getting at every place they traveled. It was far more personal, and that made Asahi visibly relax. They fussed over him like clucking chickens as they took his vitals and asked how he was feeling.

Noya watched in amusement from the opposite side of the room, trying to hold back his laughter. Asahi had never gotten used to any sort of attention. Before they left, they gave Noya the number for their company’s twenty-four hour hotline. He filed it away into his contacts and hoped he’d never have to use it.

“I like them,” Noya said. “They’re like grandmas. I keep thinking they’ll pull candies out of their pockets and give them to you.”

“Why wouldn’t they? I deserve all of it.” Asahi stretched out on the couch, exhausted. Noya tucked their favorite blanket around him. “They’re a lot better than the hospital, Yuu,” he said quietly. “They don’t smell too clean. They don’t scare me as much. I was worried they’d feel like the hospital, but they just feel like people.” Noya knew what he wasn’t saying.  _ They don’t make me feel like I’m going to die at any second. _

Noya laid his head on Asahi’s chest. “I get it,” he said, but Asahi was already asleep. Already slipping somewhere Noya couldn’t protect him. 

The second day that passed was much the same. Some foolish part of Noya hoped that Asahi was finally getting better, that all he needed was time away from the hospital. That just maybe everyone had been wrong.

Those blissful first days turned into the first week. A week of watching their favorite movies, burning popcorn, going on walks, and taking the train to see Kiyoko and Tanaka. Kiyoko looked as radiant as ever, her hand constantly flitting to the small swell of her stomach. Whenever they weren’t talking, Tanaka pointed at her and mouthed  _ “You seein’ this shit?”  _ more times than Noya could count. Eventually he got up to get the sonogram pictures, despite Kiyoko’s attempts to dissuade him.

“Ryuu, honey, you’ve already posted them-”

“Actually, Kiyoko, I wouldn’t mind seeing them. Just in case I don’t get to see her when she’s born.” Despite Asahi’s smile, there was a tightness hiding in his expression. Kiyoko’s eyes widened. A wordless look passed between the two of them. They were speaking a language Nishinoya didn’t know, and yet one he understood perfectly.

At one point Kiyoko left, claiming she was exhausted and the baby’s kicks were getting to be too annoying. But Noya caught a glimpse of the silver lining her eyes and the hand she clasped over her mouth as soon as she left the room, and a little more of him broke.

They didn’t stay long after that.

A few weeks into hospice, Noya got a text from Tsukishima saying he was in the area for work, wondering if he could stop by. He showed up at their doorstep with a carryout bag in one hand, objecting himself to their overenthusiastic hugs with little resistance.

“Why do you keep getting taller?” Noya squinted at him. “It really isn’t fair.”

“You’re twenty-six, Nishinoya, I thought we’d moved past this.” Tsukishima set the takeout bag on the counter. 

“No way! I hold grudges forever. Isn’t that right, babe?”

Asahi winced. “I mean...if you use us as an example, not r-really. Asking me just proves the opposite of your point.”

Knowing his husband was right, Noya dug into his food, too stubborn to admit it out loud.

They had just finished with dinner and a few drinks when Asahi excused himself to go rest.

“I’m sorry I can’t talk longer, Tsukki. I’ve just been really tired lately,” Asahi said. That week, his exhaustion bled into his whole body. Bags hung under his eyes despite the fact that he was sleeping more and more.

“It’s fine,” Tsukishima said in his short, clipped way. “Just take care of yourself.” As soon as the door to the bedroom shut, Tsukishima scraped his chair across the floor, staring Noya down. “He’s not doing well. Not like you texted me about. I knew he’d look bad, but this?”

“Yeah, it’s bad,” he admitted. “He’s still losing a lot of weight. Too much. But he’s gotten better since we’ve gotten home! Really! He’s eating more and…”  _ He’s talking less and sleeping more and putting on a brave face for me, because I’m the scared one now- _

“I don’t understand how you’re doing this, Nishinoya. This happened to my dad. Every day is different when they’re sick. Some days he seemed like his old self. Like Azumane does right now. Other days I could barely stand to look at him. He just wasn’t himself anymore. I wasn’t even there for the worst of it. I was at college and my brother was busy living his own life.” Tsukishima pushed up his glasses. There was only the slightest bit of emotion in his voice, like he was talking about the weather rather than the death of his father. “My mother tore herself apart from grief. Don’t let his death destroy you. I’d prefer not to lose two good friends.”

“He’s not dead yet, Tsukishima. He’s still got time.” Inside, Nishinoya panicked. He hated that, as usual, Tsukki was right. Was he that easy to read? If Tsukishima, who he hadn’t seen in over half a year, could just dissect him like  _ that _ , what was Asahi thinking? What was he burying ever deeper as the days went by? What wasn’t he saying?

“I never said that. I just meant you should prepare.”

“I know that. You think I haven’t been preparing to lose him for the past two years?” Noya struggled to keep his voice low. “I’m so fucking scared of it. I hate knowing that he’s got a damn timer on his life. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. And he’s  _ leaving  _ me and I don’t know what to do when he’s not here anymore.” Nishinoya inhaled a shaky breath. “Why does he have to be the one to die? Why can’t it be me who takes all this pain from him and lets him live instead? I don’t get it.” He stared at the swirls in the wood grain. He hadn’t been talking to Tsukishima in the end. He’d just been venting out his own frustrations. Not just at himself and his own insecurities, but at the world, at fate, at-he realized with humiliation-  _ Asahi. _

“Can I say something, Nishinoya? It may come across as blunt.”

“Go ahead.” He couldn’t look at him. He hated that  _ he _ was the one who was wallowing in self-pity. He’d talked himself into this delusion that Asahi could get better when everybody knew he wasn’t. And he hated himself, because he knew he shouldn’t be blaming Asahi for dying. And yet he was, and he couldn’t  _ stop. _

“The point of hospice is to ease into your goodbye. To not make things as hard. But you’re still not giving up on him, and you’re only going to hurt worse in the end because of it.”

“I just don’t know how I can give up on him. You’re saying what I know I should do, and I just can’t do that.” Noya rubbed his face in his hands. “I can’t.”

“It’s never going to be easy. I’d be the same way if Yamaguchi…”

“You don’t have to say it. It’s fine.” Noya refused to meet his eyes. He didn’t want pity, and definitely not from hard-ass Tsukishima. He just wanted to stop thinking about everything and crawl into Asahi’s arms.

“I just want to warn you. Before things get too bad, please remember there’s other people by your side.” Tsukishima patted him on the back. Coming from anyone else, it would’ve been horrendous, but from him, it was a true display of affection. “I don’t like to rely on people. I always feel disappointed in the end. But it’s better than grieving alone.”

_ Grieving alone. That’s what I’ve been doing all along.  _ That was all he had been doing. Even after all these years, he still had no idea how to communicate. It was just so easy to turn it all off and forget, even when he had people who loved him right at his side. _ I’m so fucking stupid. _

Nishinoya lifted his head. “Thank you, Tsukki. I needed to hear that.”

Tsukishima immediately decided to act like he hadn’t done anything. “It’s nothing. Just some advice someone gave to me when my dad was sick.”

_ Yeah, now that I think about it, Yamaguchi definitely said that.  _ Noya smirked.  _ Thanks, guys. _

“I should get going. The evening train leaves soon, and Yamaguchi needs me back at the apartment. Tell Asahi bye for me. Good luck, Nishinoya.” Tsukishima fixed him with an unwavering stare. “And don’t forget what I told you.”

“Okay, boss. I’ll do my best. Stay safe, Tsukishima.” Noya ushered him out the door and waved at him until he was out of sight. He started to clean, throwing the carryout containers away and putting their glasses in the sink, careful not to make any noise. The house was silent except for the gentle humming of the air conditioner. Noya crept into their bedroom, wincing as the door creaked. 

But he didn’t need to worry. Asahi wasn’t sleeping. His back faced away from the door, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Noya slipped into bed, quick as he could. Asahi’s knees were tucked into his chest, and in between his now-gaunt frame and trembling body, he looked smaller than ever before.

“Asahi,” Noya said, curling up beside him. “I’m here. Talk to me, Asahi.”

“C-Can’t talk-can’t breathe-” Noya grabbed ahold of his hands, forcing Asahi to unclench his fists.

“No, you can,” he soothed. “Breathe with me. In and out. Inhale.” Asahi’s lungs shuddered for breath. “Exhale. C’mon, you’re getting through this. I’m here now. I’m here. Inhale again.” He kissed his knuckles. “Exhale.” He didn’t let go of Asahi, just eased his breathing back to normal.

The last of the attack started to cease as his breathing evened, matching the rhythm of Noya’s. “You’re okay,” he murmured. “You’re okay.”

“I-I-I’m not, Yuu, I’m so afraid.” He jolted up, the blanket falling from his bare shoulders. His chest heaved. For a split second, he was about to fall back into his panic attack. But then he just hung his head, his tears beginning to fall onto the sheets.

In the room’s dim light, Noya could count each of his ribs. “I’m so afraid of everything right now. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. And I know how badly you’re hurting and I just want to help because it’s my own fault, but I can’t because I’m just in so much pain-” His words cut off with a whimper. Noya cradled his cheek. Asahi’s tears dripped into his palm, hot on his skin. With a gulp, Asahi continued.

“I’m so afraid of dying,” he admitted. “Of what’s going to happen.”

“Me too.” Noya chose his next words carefully. “I’m so scared of losing you. I have to just  _ let you die,  _ when I’m scared of living without you in my life. I couldn’t play volleyball without you, and that was before we were anything more than teammates. How am I supposed to get through my life? Everything will just feel so wrong.” This was everything he’d been too afraid to voice in the hospital. Now that it had finally been said, he didn’t feel sorrow or fear. He just felt numb.

“How am I supposed to leave you like this?” Asahi was still gasping with sobs, fresh tears running their course down his cheeks. “We’ve both still got things to do. I don’t want any of it to end like this. But it has to.”

Tsukishima’s words fluttered into Noya’s head.  _ You don’t have to grieve alone. _

Noya pressed his lips to Asahi’s. Both hands cupped his face now. “I know it has to end,” he whispered into his mouth. “And I don’t want it to either. But we’re in this together, okay? We’re leaving one another behind. That’s not anybody’s fault, okay? Especially not yours. And trust me, love. I’m not letting you go until it’s time.”

Asahi only kissed him harder as he cried. Noya tasted saltwater on his tongue. He draped his arms over Asahi’s shoulders, wrapped his legs around him as Asahi lowered him onto the mattress, touching his lips to his collarbone. He felt the bones in Asahi’s back, the knobs of his spine, and only held him closer.

This was more than kisses. This was the start of a long goodbye, one neither of them wanted to say. A goodbye that chipped a little more of Noya’s heart away every time he thought of it. He didn’t know how long it would last and when it would end. What mattered then was Asahi in his arms as they exchanged their burdens. 

As they allowed themselves to grieve with one another while they still could.


	4. Interlude: The Night

_A few days after graduation, Asahi hears a tap-tap on his window in the middle of the night. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he turns around. Instead of a branch from the tree outside, Nishinoya’s face is pressed against the glass._

_He yelps in surprise, then hurries to open the window. “My mom’s not home, you could’ve just texted me-”_

_“Nah, I wanted to make you feel like you’re in some shoujo manga.” Noya takes his shoes off as he comes inside. “Besides, I needed to prove that I could climb that tree. It’s just coincidence that your room happens to be next to it.” He jumps onto Asahi’s back, kissing his cheek. “I missed you.”_

_“It’s been less than a week,” Asahi says, flicking Noya in the forehead. “But I missed you, too.” He sets Noya down on the bed and lays beside him. Noya immediately cuddles close to him, twining their legs together. They fit perfectly together. Asahi’s hair is already loose, falling around his face, and Noya knots his fingers in it as he begins to kiss Asahi’s shoulder. Asahi’s voice rumbles in both surprise and pleasure, and his fingers begin to go lower as he pulls up Noya’s hoodie, undoing his belt loops._

_This is where he knows he feels most at home. Him and Noya haven’t been together long, and hardly anyone on the team knows, but around Nishinoya, any sort of anxiety he has fades out of existence. It just feels so right to him. There’s no second-guessing with Nishinoya. With anybody else, he’d be doubting their feelings-but with him, he’s never felt more sure or confident._

_“I’ve got something for you. I’m not very good at gifts, but I hope you like it.” Noya says, breath warm against his bare skin. “I meant to give it to you at the beginning. You messed up my grand plans.”_

_“I can tell you don’t mind,” Asahi replies, sliding Noya’s jeans down his hips. Noya only grins up at him, then goes back to sucking on his neck._

_An hour or so later, Noya’s still cuddling him, this time under the sheets of his bed, attempting to braid Asahi’s hair. Their clothes are discarded on the floor, but neither of them wants to get up to get dressed again._

_“My sister wanted me to try some kind of special braid on her hair. I’m trying to use you as practice, but your hair is just too damn difficult.” He sticks his tongue out in frustration. “Not that that’s bad. I like your hair.”_

_“Is that my only good quality?”_

_“Nah, your face is pretty great too.” Noya pauses. “And your ass. Have you seen your ass in the uniform shorts? Hot as hell.”_

_A blush begins to color Asahi’s face. “R-really?”_

_“Yeah, well, I did. Messed up a few receives in practice games because of it.”_

_“Oh my god.” The blush has begun to cover his entire body. Noya beams at him._

_“And for having such a great ass, I brought you a gift.” With great regret, he detaches himself from Asahi and grabs his hoodie from its place on the floor. From the front pocket, he produces a messily wrapped package, complete with the world’s most horribly knotted ribbon. “I’m not very good at making things look great, but hey-what’s inside is way better.” He hands Asahi the package. “You mentioned you liked doing this kind of thing on one of the rides back home, before we were together. I asked Hitoka about it, because she’s better at that kind of thing, so don’t give me the credit.”_

_Asahi meticulously unties the gnarled ribbon, then rips into the paper as Nishinoya watches with eager eyes. Inside is a watercolor palette he’s had his eyes on for months now. It’s an expensive brand, one used by professionals, and his heart skips a beat. So few people know about how much he loves to paint. Even fewer know of the sketches, canvas, and watercolor portraits hidden in a box on top of his closet._

_“Noya… this is the most thoughtful thing I’ve ever gotten. H-How did you know?”_

_“Sometimes I’d pretend to be asleep on the bus after games and listen to you talk.” Now it’s Noya’s turn to blush. “You’d open up more around Daichi and Suga anyways, and I loved hearing that side of you. I heard you mention you liked to use watercolors, and there was this cool-looking store we passed that you wanted to paint. If I’m being honest, it didn’t look like much to me, but knowing you found something so mundane so beautiful-I fell for you even harder that day.”_

_“You listened to me?” Of course he took the time to listen, to pick something like this out. Because everything Nishinoya does makes him feel seen, because Yuu Nishinoya holds his glass heart in his hands and will never let it drop._

_“I wanted to know everything about you, Asahi.” He kisses the inside of Asahi’s wrist, right where the pulse of his heartbeat is. “Absolutely everything. Your hobbies, your favorite food, embarrassing stories from when you were a kid. I wanted to be a part of your life so bad it hurt.”_

_“I wanted that, too. But I thought you would’ve never wanted me to hang around you. That I’d just weigh you down.”_

_“You’d never do that. Asahi, you make me_ fly. _When I’m with you, I’m weightless.” Noya sits back, looking into his eyes. “You turn me into lightning.” He turns away, twining his fingers with Asahi’s. Asahi’s heart thuds quicker in his chest. “And I love you even more for it.”_

_This is Yuu Nishinoya in a new light. This is a boy with his soul bared, offering his heart to Asahi Azumane. The indestructible Guardian of Karasuno is vulnerable in a way he’s never been before._

_“You make me want to be me.” Asahi squeezes his hand. “For so long, I wanted to be anybody else. I wanted to live, but I didn’t want to be me. But then you came into my life and you loved me for me. And I loved you. And suddenly I stopped wanting to be someone else and just started being Asahi Azumane.” He’s crying now, fat drops rolling down his face. Noya kisses them away one by one._

_It’s something he’s never told anyone before, not even Daichi or Suga, and as Noya kisses his tears away with feather-light touches, he’s beginning to float away. His fears have tied him down for so long, but as these bonds release at last, he understands what Noya said about flying. For the first time in a long time, he is free. He is among the moon and the stars and he will not come down ever again._

_“That’s good, because you’re the only one I’d ever want. The real Asahi is way radder anyways.” Noya glances at him with teary, half-lidded eyes. “And he’s the one I love, so don’t go changing him on me, okay?”_

_“I promise I won’t.”_

_“I want him to be with me forever. I want_ you _to be with me forever.” Nishinoya tucks himself into Asahi, his head right over his heart. “That isn’t too much to ask, right?”_

_“I think I’d like forever.” He leans down and kisses Noya’s hair._

_“Can I sleep here tonight? I want to hold you and pretend like I never have to let go.” Noya pulls the blanket around himself._

_“How am I supposed to say no after this?” Asahi chuckles. His hand brushes the watercolor palette. An idea worms its way into his lovestruck brain. “But before we go to bed, can I paint you? The way I see you.”_

_“As long as you do one of yourself, too. So I have something more than photos.”_

_Asahi retrieves his nicest sketchpad from its hiding spot. He paints Noya in simple, elegant strokes, capturing the way his hair falls around him in the night. The burgundy knit of the blanket wrapped around his bare shoulders, the mischievous glint in his eyes that promises untold adventures, the way his fringe flops over his forehead. The slim frame of his body, the bruises on his skin from where a volleyball hits too hard._

_On another page, he paints himself. Noya guides him in areas he’s unsure of, and in the end, the painting is someone Asahi doesn’t recognize. Someone strong and handsome with a slight part to his lips and wavy hair that falls around his shoulders. But what he truly doesn’t recognize is this man’s warm brown eyes. He’s painted so much love and caring into his own irises. Over his shoulder, Noya studies the painting._

_“That’s how I see you, Asahi. That’s what you look like to me. Someone so full of warmth and love, so much of it that I wonder what I did to deserve them.”_

_Finally, Asahi is seeing himself._

_And as Nishinoya holds him while they both slip into sleep, he decides he’s not letting either of them go._


	5. Wishing I Could Always Be With You

Four months into hospice care, Asahi started to die.

They didn’t speak of it. In fact, they stopped speaking about a lot of things. They weren’t pretending that Asahi’s illness didn’t exist, far from it. They were just taking all the time they could to love one another. To make sure the other knew how much they cared before the dream that had been their lives ended.

When Noya got up to run in the mornings, he would lay awake for a little while, watching Asahi sleep, noticing the way his eyes fluttered under his lids as he dreamed. Noya would run his hands over the soft stubble of Asahi’s scalp. When they’d given up, stopping chemotherapy and radiation treatments, his hair had slowly begun to grow back. They’d laughed over him looking like Tanaka and Narita back in high school. He knew Asahi hated his short, spiky hair, but Noya didn’t care.

He’d never looked anything but handsome to Noya. But in those mornings, with the soft light of dawn washing over him, he was more than handsome. 

He was positively ethereal. Even in his weakened state, he seemed to Noya like a god fallen from the heavens.

Noya would study the curve of his mouth, the bridge of his nose, the veins in his hands. Listen to his gentle, even breathing as he slept, wondering how he of all people got so lucky.

And then getting out of bed, even to leave him for only an hour, became far harder.

Before Asahi had truly begun to die, he’d wake up early with Noya and go walking with him, hand in hand while nobody could see them. Asahi was never one for public displays of affection. It was always Noya who had found excuses to touch him. Now Asahi was the one who was always touching him, brushing back flyaways in his hair and bumping against him on occasion. It was Asahi who began to hold him at night. Even when their walks had stopped, when the pain had become too much, Asahi still found as many ways to brush against him as possible.

In the morning as they got ready together, his fingertips caressing the bare skin of Noya’s back. In the afternoon as they did the lunch dishes, wiping splatters of dish soap off his forehead. At night as they flipped through videos and pictures of their travels on Asahi’s laptop, with Noya sitting comfortably between Asahi’s legs and Asahi’s arms around his midriff.

They filled their days with as much of each other as they could. There were good days, when Asahi would sit up in bed and paint anything that came to mind. Those were the days where some of his old coworkers came, leaving bouquets of fabric flowers they made themselves. The days where Noya cooked proper tonkotsu ramen to the best of his ability, which meant he didn’t burn down the house, and Asahi ate it all.

And then there were bad days, too. Ones where he didn’t eat at all and Noya had to force him to drink. Ones where he threw up constantly. Ones where he could barely move from room to room because his body just couldn’t handle that amount of pain. 

Those were the ones that affected him the most, where sometimes Noya had to shut the bathroom door and let himself cry, because he couldn’t  _ stand _ seeing Asahi look like that. He’d turn on the faucet and let it run as it covered his tiny sobs. The man who shared his soul was wasting away, and he could do nothing.

He’d always appeared older than he really was, but with his cheeks caved into his skull and the bags bruising his under eyes, he seemed far more ancient than twenty-seven. When his liver began to have problems and the whites of his eyes yellowed with jaundice, it was as if the last shell of a healthy Asahi fell away. There was no hiding from the fact that he was dying, not when his own appearance served as a reminder. It was then Noya found Asahi staring into one of the hallway mirrors, touching the hard planes of his face as if he didn’t remember the contours of his own body. 

The bad days weren’t just for Asahi. They were the ones when Noya started to think about life after Asahi. In those thoughts, Asahi was still there, healthy and smiling, and sorrow jabbed into his heart when he had to erase him from the picture in his mind. No more happy travels around the world. No future where they renewed their vows. No dogs. No children. Just no more  _ Asahi. _

In the third month of hospice, he decided that after Asahi passed, he wasn’t playing volleyball anymore. If he kept playing, all he’d ever think of was Asahi. Asahi jumping and spiking, Asahi grinning as he handed him a water bottle, Asahi giving him good-luck kisses before a match- so many of his memories, so much of his  _ life, _ had been shaped by Asahi Azumane.

How was he supposed to step back onto a court if he was blind to everything but his memories? How was he supposed to even function in a match when he’d still see him everywhere? How could he receive when he expected to see Asahi out of the corner of his eye? How could he coach when he’d see traces of him in the younger players?

He supposed he could return to Italy, back to the Mediterranean air and the salt of the sea, and never come back to Japan again. He could travel the world again, see all the places they weren’t able to see before, drifting and never staying in one place for long. He could be nothing more than another face in the crowd, somewhere where not a soul knew him as Yuu Nishinoya.

And yet that didn’t feel right either, because nothing in his life felt right without Asahi in it. He didn’t want to keep running away till the end of his existence. That wasn’t the sort of person he wanted to become, someone who tried to outsprint grief until it swallowed him. He didn’t want to be somebody who never emerged from memories of better days. But how was he supposed to figure out the future when all he wanted to do was stay in this fragile window of time?

They were sleeping on the couch when the call came. It took Noya a minute to shake himself from sleep, the obnoxious ringing of his phone stabbing into his eardrums. Asahi stirred beside him.

He fumbled around for the phone and dropped it onto the floor. There was a beat of silence, but as soon as his fingers grasped the case, it immediately began to ring again.

“What’s going on?” Asahi mumbled, propping himself up on his elbow.

“I dunno. Kinda rude to wake us up, dontcha think?”

The phone lit up with Tanaka’s contact. “Oh, shit,” Noya breathed, any trace of humor draining from his body. He pressed the call button with quivering fingers.

“Oh my god, you finally answered,” Tanaka said, breathless and panicked. “The baby’s coming. We’re at the hospital and I almost got a fuckin’ ticket getting here and-”

“What the hell? It’s still two weeks early!”

“Yeah, that’s what I said! I’m freaking out, bro. I wasn’t gonna be prepared for this even if she was on time, but two weeks early? I’m gonna die!”

“You’re not gonna die, you’re just worried. Stop acting like a dumbass! You’re not the one trying to squeeze out a damn child!”

“I know that!” Tanaka snapped. There was a long pause from the other side of the phone. Noya knew he was holding his head, trying to calm down all the racing thoughts inside his brain. It was something he did whenever he was particularly stressed, a rare occurrence for a man like him. “Sorry. I’m just really scared about both of them, y’know? They kicked me outta the hospital room in case I fainted, and now they won’t lemme back in. So I don’t know what's going on in there and that’s…” His voice dropped. “I need to be in there, but I’m so damn scared.”

At Asahi’s urging, Noya put the phone on speaker.

“You’re going to be okay, Tanaka,” Asahi soothed. “I panic all the time, so just listen to me. Remember to breathe, or else you’re really gonna pass out. You have to set all those anxieties aside for now. Kiyoko needs you to be strong right now, so don’t get too scared. You need to be the calm one this time, so you can be in there with her.”

“Yeah,” he muttered, voice thick. “Guess I’ve never really had to do that, huh? Or ever been good at it. I just feel so...useless. She’s my wife and she’s supported me nonstop. I love her  _ so much.  _ And I can’t even be in there for our daughter’s birth.” 

“Neither of you have ever been through any of this before. You’re allowed to be scared, man. I’d be worried as hell if you weren’t.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I just don’t like not knowing what to do or what’s goin’ on.”

“I don’t think anyone does. Just go back in there and be supportive and it’ll be over soon.”

“Yeah.” Noya could hear Ryuu trying to hype himself up on the other side of the line. “Yeah. I got this. Thanks, guys. I can’t talk long. She needs me to be with her, even if I’m...not doing a great job. I’ll text you updates.” He hung up. Noya finally exhaled. Inside, his stomach churned with worry.

“Do you think you should go down there and be with him?” Asahi asked, face drawn with worry.

“What would I do besides sit there and look pretty?” Nishinoya rolled over to see him, attempting to sound confident. “Besides, I guarantee Big Sis is speeding over there like some kind of demon as we speak. She’ll knock some sense into him.” He nuzzled his face into Asahi’s neck. “Though you are the sweetest man in the world for saying that.”

“A-Am not.” Asahi blushed. When he blushed, it was like they were in high school again, flirting after a match without either of them realizing it. Noya loved him even more for it.

“Yeah, you are. I love you so much, you dweeb.”

“I love you too.” He cupped Noya’s face. “And I’d love even more to stay awake and look at you, but I need to go back to sleep. I’m just so drained.” Sadness flickered across his face, hinting at something deeper.

“Are you okay?”  _ Well, okay as you can be. God, I’m an idiot.  _ “Sorry. That was a stupid question, huh?”

“Don’t worry about it, my love. There’s just something I need to tell you soon. You know me...I’m still trying to figure out the right thing to say.”

A lump of worry knotted in Noya’s stomach. “You know I’ll know what you mean, even if you say the wrong thing?”

“Of course I do, Yuu.” His name was a requiem on Asahi’s lips. “But these words are for me as much as they are for you. I asked Daichi about it, and even he didn’t know what to say. I just feel...lost. I’m not good at figuring out what to say on my own. You know that. I’ve always asked or had someone else say it for me, but I’m running out of time to think about it. You’ve always been the first one to say things, because I’m always too scared-” A strangled sob rippled through his body and fled through his mouth.

“You don’t have to say it, okay?” Noya held him, tucking Asahi close to his heart. His hands massaged soft circles into his back. “I’ll understand. If it hurts this bad, I understand.”

“But I need to.” Asahi’s voice cracked as it rose in volume. “Because I can’t-I can’t die without telling you it’s okay to move on!” He stilled in Noya’s arms as what he said sank into both of them.

_ Oh. Oh, Asahi. My sweet, glass-hearted love. You shouldn’t be thinking about this, not in the time we have left. _

“You have been the best part of my life,” Asahi said slowly. “You have my heart in your hands and never once let it drop. I remember when we met, that first day of practice when I tripped over you on the way to the gym. And we were both in the dirt, and I couldn’t stop apologizing, and you just...smiled. You weren’t angry. You weren’t afraid of me. You just smiled, Yuu. And I knew right then and there that I was doomed to fall for you. So...I promise I will love you until there’s nothing left of me.” He paused. “But I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life remembering. I...as painful as it is, I want you to fall in love again. I want you to be happy. I want you to live, Yuu.” His tears soaked into Noya’s shirt. Noya only held him tighter. “I can’t stay with you. More than anything, I wish I could keep waking up beside you. But-”

“Asahi. Stop talking.” He failed to keep himself from trembling. “I will never, for the rest of my life, forget about you. Don’t you understand? You’re the only love of my life. You’re my soulmate. It’ll be impossible to love again, not after you. Don’t feel guilty. Sure, I’ve never let go of your heart. But you keep forgetting you’ve always had mine. So when the time comes, you’ll be taking it with you.”

“But that’s not fair to you! It’s not fair to you that you’ll be alone for the rest of your life-”

“Shhh, listen. I’m not scared. There’s people who’ll still love me. I won’t be alone. I’ll have the whole team still, no matter where they are in the world. My family and your mom aren’t going anywhere yet. There’s just only going to be one love for me, and that’s okay. That’s the point of having a soulmate, isn’t it?” He smiled. “No matter what happens or how long I live, I will love you. It doesn’t matter that I’ll have missed out on some things on my bucket list, because if I can’t have those with you, I’m not having them with anyone else.” 

He finished speaking, his body shaking against Asahi’s. He knew he’d still see Asahi everywhere after he died, that he’d never truly leave Noya’s thoughts. Noya didn’t know who he would be afterward. Those horrible thoughts that came during the bad days wouldn’t stop because of one conversation.

Even as they sobbed into one another with nothing more to speak of, he felt better for saying what he had. For finally voicing what had been plaguing him these past months. For reassuring himself as much as Asahi that in the end, he wouldn’t be alone.

Eight hours later, Noya got a text. 

He and Asahi had stayed on the couch for as long as they could before going to bed. Now, a fatigued Asahi was snoring softly, his whole body tucked under a mountain of blankets. He’d fallen asleep holding Noya, his body radiating warmth against Noya’s flesh.

True to his word, Tanaka updated them all night. He’d managed to stay in the room after initially being kicked out, even though most of his texts had the tone of someone who could vomit at any second.

The newest message was just a photo of Kiyoko. Even with the world’s most exhausted smile, she was gorgeous. Noya squinted. There was a bundle in her arms with little hands clenched into fists. The next message came through, a close-up of their baby’s face. Her chubby, tiny face was scrunched up as she slept. Thick black hair poked out from under her knitted cap.

Noya called him immediately.

“You’ve got a kid,” he said as Tanaka picked up on the first ring. There was muffled crying.

“I do have a kid,” he sniffled. “I have a kid. If high school me had any idea he’d have a  _ baby-” _

“How’s our Kiyoko doing?” Noya interrupted before Tanaka went off on a tangent.

“She’s tired. Sleeping right now. I had to call my parents first, so it’s been a little bit since that one photo was taken. I’m holding Hayami right now. I know I should put her back in that baby-cart-thing, but she’s just so small and I don’t wanna set her down.”

“That’s her name? Hayami? Hey, that’s one of the ones I helped pick out!”

“Yeah. Surprise!” He sighed in contentment. “Man, I’d video call and show her to you, but my phone’s almost dead and I’m still cryin’ like a bitch.”

“No worries, I’ve been crying all night.”

“What? You okay?”

“Asahi and I just had a really good talk. You know the type.” His husband stirred beside him, awoken by the noise.

“Yuu? What’s going on?” He asked, voice bleary from sleep.

“Baby’s born.”

“And you didn’t wake me when he called?!" Asahi shot up, awake in a flash. "How is everybody?”

“We’re all good over here,” Tanaka said. “Kiyoko’s sleeping and I’ve got Hayami right now. Who thought we’d be the first ones to have an actual kid? Wack as hell. None of it feels real.” 

He kept rambling, occasionally going off on a tangent whenever Hayami so much as blinked. And as they snuggled together and listened to Tanaka babble until his phone died, the beating of Asahi’s heart echoing in his ears, Noya was finally at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dad Tanaka is simply superior, I don't make the rules


	6. Interlude: The Adventure

_ He sees Noya just outside of the airport gate, and his heart begins to beat faster. Asahi hasn’t seen his boyfriend in months now, not since he stopped in Japan for Asahi’s birthday. Yuu Nishinoya is a little more tanned, but his spiked hair and restless energy are still the same as ever. Noya hasn’t noticed him yet. His hands are tucked into his pockets to give the appearance of being relaxed, but he can still see the bounce of Noya’s leg from half a gate away.  _

_ Asahi slings his carry-on over his shoulder and goes over to him, following the stream of exiting passengers, then sits down beside his boyfriend while he’s looking the other direction. _

_ “Is this seat taken?” He asks. Noya’s head whips around, and he breaks into a smile. His hazel eyes come even more alive as he drinks in the sight of Asahi, exhausted from the plane. His clothes are wrinkled and he feels like he smells, but Noya doesn’t seem to care. _

_ “‘Sahi!” He throws his arms around him. “You’re here! Finally!” _

_ “I’ve missed you so much, Yuu,” Asahi murmurs. “Why’d you have to be gone so long?” _

_ “So you’d break down and come to travel with me. Duh.” Noya reaches to touch his head. “Your hair’s up again!” _

_ “Yeah, I tied it back for the plane ride. Which was  _ horrible, _ by the way. I almost got airsick a few times from the turbulence.” He grins weakly. “But now that you’re here, I’ll be better.” _

_ “That’s what I’m talkin’ about.” Noya hugs him tighter, giving him a tiny, hidden kiss on his jawline where no one can see it. “You’re what I’ve missed the most. Calling you just isn’t the same as seeing you in person. But now you’re here, and we’re gonna make out in the hotel room and see the pyramids. In that order.” _

_ “Can we at least get something to eat first?” Asahi laughs. “But really, both of those sound nice.” _

_ “I guess you’re allowed to eat. C’mon, I’m gonna show you a really great restaurant once you get your luggage.” Noya springs up and pulls him by the hand. “There’s just so much I wanna show you in Cairo! And after that, I bought us tickets to go to Austria. I haven’t been there yet, so I’m really excited to explore it with you. And then I’m gonna take you to Iceland. It’s one of my favorites because it reminded me of you. And then you’ll choose the next place. I’ve got enough saved up to go anywhere we want.” _

_ “I don’t care where we are, as long as I’m with you. And let me pay, I’m the one with a stable job!” _

_ “Nah, none of that! You’re picking. Okay, and... maybe you’re paying a little bit.” Noya peeks over his shoulder, flashing that look of wonder and excitement Asahi fell in love with. “You see, I’ve got a grand plan. So you’d better keep thinking about where you want to go after Iceland. That’s your one job for this whole grand tour of the world.” They wait by the luggage gate, a touch-starved Noya finding all kinds of new ways to subtly nudge against Asahi without anyone noticing. _

_ After Asahi’s suitcases are retrieved, they take a taxi to the hotel, Noya determined to hold his hand in the backseat. His hands are still so small in Asahi’s, all slim fingers and calloused palms. Asahi recalls the first time they ever held hands like this, back in Nishinoya’s room while they were pretending to study. He was so nervous about it back then, worried that his palms would start sweating and Nishinoya would be grossed out. It’s funny how naturally it comes to him now, that it relaxes him rather than making him want to flee. _

_ In the elevator, Noya makes him set down his bags so he can kiss his knuckles. When the door to their hotel room closes at last, Noya jumps into his arms, nipping at his earlobe as soon as the luggage is on the floor. Asahi doesn’t protest, even though he’s still hungry and gross from his flight. He’s missed Noya so much it aches. He wraps his arms around Noya’s thighs and presses him against the wall. _

_ “I missed you,” he says. “I’m happy to be with you, my love.” _

_ Noya melts in his arms at the words. He stops biting at Asahi’s neck and instead places his head against his shoulder, wordlessly rubbing circles into the tense muscles of his back. They’re both grateful to finally be touching again after all this time, so much so that it feels like there’s no room to say anything. What Noya means comes through with the tips of his fingers and his lips against Asahi’s skin. He’s known every part of Asahi’s body for years now, and as he shifts around in his arms, he lets him know how much he’s missed him without saying a word. _

_ “I wouldn’t want to travel the world with anyone else,” Noya says after both their mouths are swollen from kissing. “Even though planes are kinda cramped for you.” _

_ Asahi laughs and sets him down with a gentle kiss, and Noya leads him out of the room and into the Cairo sun. _

_ They spend two weeks in Egypt before flying to Austria. The planes are still cramped, but it’s more bearable with Nishinoya asleep on his shoulder, even if Noya’s robbed him of his only neck pillow. They drag one another all around Austria, seeing everything they can. Noya drags Asahi to what feels like every bakery in the country. They stop at art museums and old castles, hike up to the mountains and watch the sunrise. At night, they hold one another and listen to the sounds of the world outside, whether it’s chirping crickets or the sleepy sounds of the city. _

_ Two days before their departure for Iceland, Asahi rearranges his suitcase for the fourth time while Noya lays in bed, scrolling on his phone. The soft light of dusk is beginning to fall over Vienna. They’ve just had an expensive dinner at a place Noya made Asahi pick, and after they returned to their room, Noya brushed Asahi’s hair for him, something that he knows his boyfriend loves more than he will ever admit. Now his hair is loose around his shoulders, his glasses falling down the bridge of his nose. _

_ “There’s a fireworks display tonight,” Noya says, scooting across the bed to be closer to Asahi.  _

_ “Really? Do you wanna go out again? I don’t mind.” _

_ “I don’t think so. Let’s just watch em from the balcony. They’re gonna start in half an hour anyway.” Noya pulls him down. “Come lay with me.” _

_ “I have to pack. You’ve bought too much stuff.” _

_ “Nah, you were the one that wanted that vase.” _

_ “It reminded me of you!” _

_ “Careful, I’ll break that one too.” Noya kisses his cheek. “I just want to hold you for a little bit. You can keep packing tomorrow.” _

_ Defeated, Asahi’s body curves against Noya’s. “You win this one.” _

_ Noya combs his fingers through Asahi’s hair. “Good. It’s all part of my grand plan, getting you away from that suitcase and right beside me.” _

_ As Noya’s fingers massage into his scalp, Asahi falls half-asleep. He’s exhausted from the day’s travels. They spent their day in Vienna studying the architecture of the buildings and hopping between museums all over the city. At the Belvedere museum, they teased one another about reenacting Klimt’s  _ The Kiss, _ one of Asahi’s favorite paintings. Then Nishinoya insisted they take pictures of the dinosaur skeletons at the natural history museum to send to Tsukishima. So it’s no surprise that he closes his eyes without meaning to, not after a perfectly exhausting day like this one. _

_ The first boom of the fireworks jolts him awake. Noya rubs his nose against his to get him up. _

_ “Wake up, sleepyhead. You don’t wanna miss this.” Noya drags him out of bed and onto the balcony, wrapping Asahi in one of the blankets. He watches the colors of the fireworks explode into the darkness. Blue and green swirl across the night sky, their light blinding in its brilliance. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Noya shifting nervously from one foot to the other. _

_ “What’s wrong?” Asahi pulls the blanket around both of them. _

_ “Nothing,” Noya says with a laugh. “Everything’s just perfect right now, that’s all. I’ll be right back. You keep watching.” He separates himself from Asahi’s embrace and heads back inside. _

_ Confused, he focuses his attention back on the fireworks. Their colors light up the world, highlighting the Vienna skyline, ever-changing. He leans over the edge, resting his elbows against the rail. This trip with Nishinoya is the most at peace he’s ever felt in his entire life. He’s never been good at being at ease. For as long as he can remember, there’s always been something festering at the back of his mind.  _

_ Yet Nishinoya always finds a way to ease his anxieties. Now, he’s content being happy and in love. The tranquility he feels waking up in Noya’s arms is something he longs to have for the rest of his life. _

_ He hears the balcony door slide open, but he still can’t tear his eyes away from the fireworks, not as purple sparks burst across his vision, followed by a shower of green.  _

_ “Hey, Asahi.” There’s a strange tone to Noya’s voice, one he’s never heard before. _

_ “Yes?” _

_ “Turn around.” _

_ He does, tightening the blanket around his body. It takes him a moment to register Nishinoya on one knee, holding a ring in his hands. When he finally realizes what’s going on, his eyes begin to overflow with tears. _

_ “Hey, hey, wait, no crying.” Noya stands up immediately and hurries to his side. “This is a happy moment!” _

_ “Is-Is it what I think it is?” _

_ “Yeah. I’m asking you to marry me, Asahi Azumane. Because…” Noya pauses, becoming choked up. “Well, because there’s a lot of reasons. Way, way too many to name. I’ve loved you for what feels like most of my life. You’ve always been by my side, encouraging me and loving me with that heart of yours. You make me want to do things that’ll make you proud. But if I’m being honest, the biggest reason I want you to marry me is because... you feel like home. It doesn’t matter where we are in the world. When I’m with you, wherever we are, that’s where I want to be. So I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if...if you’ll let me.” _

_ Asahi covers his mouth with his hand. He can only nod at him.  _

_ With a relieved grin, Noya slides the ring onto his finger. The small band of metal gleams in the light of the fireworks behind them. It’s silver, engraved with gentle, swirling patterns like that of the wind. Noya’s words from that night in high school come back to him, about Asahi making him fly. _

_ Then, just like that day by the swings so many years ago, they’re kissing. _

_ And both of them are home. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason for going to Iceland was so Noya could marry Asahi there. He really did have a plan!
> 
> Also we're at the halfway point. Things will only go downhill from here.


	7. This Feeling Inside Me

Noya knew they were nearing the last weeks of Asahi’s life, and there was absolutely nothing he could do.

His days became blurred with a dull, gray melancholy that pervaded the air around him. He knew it was supposed to hurt. He’d known that the point of hospice was that he’d be able to say goodbye and feel some small measure of peace, but as the days went by, he realized that not only did he not want to say goodbye, he didn’t know how to say it either. How was he supposed to speak of all the things he needed to say before Asahi was somewhere he couldn’t follow?

He began to busy himself with little things as Asahi slept more and more, attempting to reassure himself that he would wake up again. That they’d have another chance to love one another before it was all gone for good. That just maybe, he’d have another chance to say a proper farewell.

He began to do things he’d once hated doing in a frail effort to feel something other than this horrible numbness spreading inside of him. He started doing things he’d once hated, like cleaning every single surface in their home or organizing the cabinets. Those had always been things Asahi did whenever he was anxious and Noya couldn’t help him. He always said he found that monotonous work calmed his mind, that it allowed him to focus and rein in the thoughts tearing around his brain. But no matter how hard Noya worked to scrub away that horrible feeling inside of him, it remained.

He no longer considered himself unshakable. Not when every day began to feel worse. Not when Asahi was the one who was smiling and being strong when he was the one in constant pain. For one of the first times in his life, Yuu Nishinoya felt like a coward.

He couldn’t be strong when Asahi needed him the most.

Slowly, people came to say their own goodbyes. Noya’s sister said her goodbye, taking time off her university classes to come spend a few days with them. She’d cried into Asahi’s arms and then in Noya’s embrace, like they had when they were younger. That had always been over a scraped knee or a comment that struck too deep. Never, ever something like this. When they were younger and Asahi had stayed over at the Nishinoya household, he’d always made sure to spend a little time with her, despite Noya trying to monopolize his boyfriend’s attention. For her, Asahi was both someone she loved dearly and a second older brother.

They’d remained close to the rest of the Karasuno team, who gradually said their farewells. Kinoshita and Narita brought flowers that they’d grown in their garden when they came by, having a quiet talk with Asahi while Noya waited in the other room. Then Michimiya, who made their hearts just a bit heavier after she left.

Noya started getting emails from players in the pro leagues and guys they’d trained with in high school, apologizing for his loss. Ukai and Takeda took the train one day, Ukai bringing a box of their favorite snacks while Takeda had written letters of pride and encouragement to both of them. It seemed as if everyone knew how to say goodbye except for Nishinoya himself.

The people they were closest to came later. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima took a day off of work with plenty of warning that they were coming, while Kageyama and Hinata showed up on his doorstep unannounced. Yachi said she was going to arrive late, and in her usual way, she came by flustered and even later than expected. Yamaguchi said his goodbye first, wiping his tears on the sleeves of his sweatshirt. Then he quickly composed himself and fixed tea for Noya as the others went in. He had come so far in his life, no longer the scared fifteen-year-old he had met all those years ago.

“You’ve probably heard ‘I’m sorry’ a lot,” he said, handing him the mug. “Normally I say it all the time. But I won’t keep drilling it into your head. I’ll just listen. You seem like you need someone to talk to.”

“Thanks.” Noya stared down at the liquid swirling in the cup. “But I don’t have much to say anymore. Not like I used to. Everyone else is talking instead. And I don’t think I want them to talk. I just want it to be quiet.”

“That’s okay. Tsukki kinda says the same thing.”

“Whoever would’ve thought I’d think the same things as him?” Noya paused. “It’s good, though. To know I’m not weird for feeling like this.”

“You’re not weird at all. You’re just grieving. When Tsukki’s dad passed away, he was a lot like you are now.”

“He mentioned his dad. He gave me some good advice last time I saw him, stuff that really helped out Asahi and me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to properly thank him without him brushing it off.”

“Imagine how I feel, living with him.” Yamaguchi smiled into his tea. “He’ll say the sweetest, most insightful things and then the topic instantly changes to a new dinosaur he’s researching before I can say anything grateful. He’s kind of exhausting.”

“He really doesn’t like being thanked, huh?”

“No, he gets all uncomfortable. It’s kinda funny to see him like that. Probably the funniest time was when I first said I loved him-” As Yamaguchi spoke, telling a story meant to cheer him up, Noya tuned him out. He was remembering another night where  _ I love you  _ was uttered, with watercolor paint and a tree outside Asahi’s window, stolen kisses under the stars. When he said he loved him and knew he would for the rest of his life.

Eventually Tsukishima came out of the room, settling beside his boyfriend. He’d clearly prepared for this. He’d seen it before, after all. But Noya knew he was shaken by the way he drew Yamaguchi closer to him, refusing to let him go.

Kageyama left the room next with a blanched look on his face. Noya watched him lean against the wall and put his head in his hands. He took a deep, shuddering breath, shifting back into the stoic person Noya knew, then came over and sat on the couch as Yamaguchi poured him some tea.

“How are you doing it?” He asked. His hands trembled as he accepted the cup. “How are you seeing him like that every day?”

Suddenly Noya couldn’t speak around the lump in his throat. How was he supposed to convey this gray feeling that deadened his world? How was he going to articulate that he felt like he was turning into stone?

“I don’t know,” he said instead, despite the way his heart screamed for him to just tell someone already. “I’m just going through the motions, I guess.”

Kageyama frowned, but didn’t say another word. Hinata returned, more deflated than Noya had ever seen him. He flopped on the couch beside Kageyama, who let him cuddle into his chest. When he finally lifted his face, there was a small wet spot on his shirt from Hinata’s tears. No one dared to comment. Not when they all longed to do the same.

Noya longed to cry as openly as Hinata did. He wanted to scream, to cry like he had in the beginning of the end. But somehow, somewhere along the line, a switch had been flipped. He no longer felt like himself.

_ I should die instead. He’s stronger than me anyway. He’d get everyone through this. He wouldn’t be numb like I am. God, why couldn’t we have caught it sooner? Why does he have to die? _

They all sat in saddened silence, drinking their tea until Yachi emerged from the room. She was shaking, her large eyes hollowed with grief.

“He doesn’t look like Azumane,” she whispered. “And I k-know it’s him, because his voice is the same, but...he looks so s-small. When I saw him before hospice, he looked skinnier, I guess, and his hair was gone. I was thinking I’d see him like that again. I wasn’t-I wasn’t expecting him to look like he was going to die.” She hugged her knees to her chest. Yamaguchi draped a blanket over her. They were all quiet, Hinata sniffling into Kageyama’s chest as the other man silently grieved. Yamaguchi comforted Yachi, who looked five seconds from bursting into sobs, while Tsukishima scrolled on his phone to focus on anything but the sorrow clogging the air.

_ It’s not fucking fair. Why does he have to rot away like this? If he was supposed to die and leave me alone, why didn’t whoever’s out there make it quick? Instead I have to watch him decay. I have to watch him suffer.  _

_ What was the point of loving him if he was just going to die? _ The thought emerged from a dark place deep inside of him. He tasted bile in the back of his mouth, disgusted at himself and yet wondering:  _ What was the reason? _

The thought repeated in his head over and over, even as everyone filed out of the home. Yachi had hugged him before she left, making him promise to take care of himself. The shadows of Kageyama and Hinata melded together in the night as they walked shoulder to shoulder. Yamaguchi offered a halfhearted wave, his other hand occupied by Tsukishima’s. 

And then they were all gone.

He crept back into the house and laid on the bed next to Asahi, whose eyes flicked half-open when he heard Noya’s footsteps. He knew there was no hiding the misery that seemed to billow out from his skin. And he could no longer hide the fact that he was about to shatter, those terrible thoughts driving a hammer into his head.

“What’s wrong, Yuu?”

Where was he supposed to begin? There was so much he wanted to just pour out to Asahi already. He grabbed the front of his husband’s shirt, tucking himself in close so he couldn’t see him.

“Why did I have to love you? What was the point if you’re just going to die?” He wailed into Asahi’s body before he could stop himself. “What was the point of any of this?”

He heard himself screaming, but his cries of anger and grief were muffled in his ears. He screamed until his throat was raw, because he was feeling once again. The grayness inside of him was replaced by anger and fear and  _ pain _ , all of it gushing out of his mouth at once in a stream of sound.

“I just don’t understand why it had to be you,” he whispered when it was over. He knew Asahi was crying. “And it’s not right for me to be angry with you. But I can’t stop. And I’m pissed at myself, too, for thinking like this. For having to grieve in this stupid, shitty way.”

“I don’t blame you for thinking like that, my love. I’d do the same if I had to watch you die.” Asahi kissed his hair. “You’re allowed to be angry. I know I feel the same way. I think that, in a way, I got the easier route.”

Noya bit the side of his cheek to keep from screaming again. Of course he thought that. Because he was Asahi, his ace with a heart of glass who wanted to protect Noya in any way he could. “Why does it have to all end like this? Why does it have to hurt so badly?”

“I don’t know.” Asahi held him tighter as Noya’s heartbreak shredded through his insides. “Every time I fall asleep, I think I’m not going to wake up. So I look at you, because I want the last thing I ever see to be your face.”

“It’s just not fair,” Noya sobbed. “I want you to stop hurting, but the only way that’ll stop is for you to go, and I don’t want that to happen. I want to keep waking up with you. I need you to stay. Please, Asahi, why can’t you stay with me?”

He felt Asahi stroking his hair as they cried. “I want you to keep pulling me back and holding me up like you always have. More than anything, I want to stay and be with you. But I think that’s selfish of me, because the longer I live, the worse you’ll hurt when I die.”

“It doesn’t matter how quickly you go. I’ll hurt the same anyways. So let’s just be selfish together.” Noya finally looked up at his husband, at the man he longed to give the world to. “Please,  _ please, _ Asahi. Stay long enough for me to sort out everything in my head so I can give you the goodbye you deserve. I don’t like leaving things unfinished. And I can’t leave us like this.”

“I can’t promise anything, Yuu.” Asahi kissed him, low and sweet, clinging to him as he continued to cry. “But I’ll keep holding on for you.”

The goodbyes continued. Ennoshita brought cake and offered to let Noya stay in his house after Asahi passed.

“I’ve got a spare room. It’s a little bit of a commute, but you can stay at my house for as long as you like. No charge. I just figured I’d let you know.”

Noya looked around at the walls, full of photos of Asahi. Practically every part of this house was stuffed to the brim with their shared memories. Their old jerseys were even in a box in the back of their closet. He didn’t know when he could look at them again or when he would be able to see any part of his house without feeling lost.

“I think I’d like that, for a little bit at least.”

Ennoshita grinned. “Great. And I’ve got a dog. She’s little, still. But she won’t be in a few years.”

“Since when? Asahi! He’s got a dog!” They spent the remainder of the afternoon forcing Ennoshita to show pictures of his puppy.

That day was a good one for Asahi, one where he still hurt, but smiles came easier and he could walk on his own a little bit. Noya’s depression was eating away at him even now, but he felt lighter now that he’d finally confessed what he needed to.

Daichi, Suga, and the Tanakas all visited at once, bringing with them more love and laughter than Noya had felt in the last six months. Suga and Tanaka both went absolutely insane when they saw one another, crying and hugging while Kiyoko and Daichi stood back and watched. They couldn’t all fit into the bedroom, so Noya helped Asahi out into the living room.

As soon as he appeared, Daichi and Suga were both hugging him, poking at the tiny curls that were beginning to form in his short hair.

“You look like you did when we were first years!” Suga grinned. Noya knew he regretted not being able to come sooner, but right now, his joyous energy at seeing one of his best friends was infectious.

“You think so?” Asahi touched his hair. “I hadn’t noticed, honestly.”

As the two of them talked, Daichi pulled Noya aside. “I know how he’s doing because he texts us everyday, but are you okay?”

“I’ve been better. But I’ve been worse, too. It’s better with people around.”

“You know you can always give me a call, right? I’ll never stop looking after you.”

“I do. But don’t worry too much. Ennoshita offered to let me stay at his place for a while, and I think I’ll take him up on it. Right now, it’s just the two of us enjoying what we’ve got.” Noya sighed. “I don’t want to think about it, even though I gotta. He’s the love of my life. I’ve been hurting a lot recently.”

“Don’t shut yourself off from everything. It’s better to let yourself hurt before you forget how to feel.” Daichi’s tone was grim. Noya could tell he was speaking from experience.

“It’s a little late for that, captain. Like I said, I’ve had some pretty bad days. And I know I’m not alone. I just have to keep telling myself that so I don’t forget and shut down.”

“That’s what I wanted to hear. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, Noya. We’re all with you.” Daichi patted him on the back. He opened his mouth to say something else, but was effectively silenced by a small noise from the baby carrier Kiyoko had managed to sneak in.

“Can I see her?” Asahi asked, nervousness shining in his eyes. She nodded and picked up the baby, holding her close to her breast. Hayami Tanaka cooed from her nest of blankets.

“She’s like her dad. She looks like me, but she’s loud like him.” She offered Asahi the infant. He took hold of her nervously, not relaxing even as she was safely transferred to his arms.

“Yeah, she’s like me!” Tanaka grinned. “But that means she does keep me up most of the night. We watch a lot of late-night volleyball together.”

“She’s so small,” Asahi breathed, sitting down on the couch to hold the infant. Her little hands grabbed at thin air, like she knew his hair was supposed to be there. “She’s got Tanaka’s nose, but other than that, she looks exactly like you.” Hayami gurgled and Asahi jumped. Kiyoko sat down beside him, placing a reassuring hand on his arm.

“That’s normal.” She reached out a finger for Hayami to grasp. “You’re doing great, Asahi.”

“You’re not going to remember me, little one,” Asahi whispered to the baby. “But I’m going to remember you, okay? And wherever I go, I’ll be sure to watch over you. I need to make sure you don’t cause your mom too much trouble. You need to save that for your dad, okay? Wherever I am, I’ll make sure to keep you safe. I promise.” 

Something pinched at Noya’s heart. He looked at his husband and the bundle in his arms, a vision of what might’ve been flitting into his mind. Asahi’s eyes were so full of love as he squished Hayami’s round cheeks and held her close. He stared at the two of them, making sure that memory was locked away somewhere he could never forget it.

Tanaka, sensing that they needed a moment, took Daichi and Suga into the kitchen to get drinks. Kiyoko stood up and brushed the lint off her skirt.

“I trust you two with her,” she said warmly. “If she cries, just call me. Though when Ryuu sings to her, she calms down, so you can try that if you want to.”

Noya leaned against his husband’s shoulder. Asahi offered Hayami to him, but he shook his head. “Babies are cute, but they’re way too delicate for me. You would’ve been a great father, though.”

“You think so?”

“Of course.” They’d never talked about things like children, not when they thought they had more time.

Asahi smiled, humming a little song to Hayami. “She’s going to do amazing things. I wish I could watch her grow up. I didn’t think I was going to be able to meet her, so to hold her right now is just a bonus. Thanks for coming two weeks early, little one.” He kissed her forehead, then tore his eyes away from her to look at Noya. “Will you teach her to paint for me? Since I won’t be able to do it with her. And...could you tell her about me, sometimes? If it’s not too painful?”

Noya nodded. If he spoke, he was going to cry again. He brushed a tiny curl of hair out of her face as Asahi started humming again, a song they’d danced to many times before. He took in the sight of his husband smiling as he lulled Hayami back to sleep, and wished more than anything that it could’ve all been different.


	8. Interlude: The Diagnosis

_ Asahi doesn’t know how to tell him. To be honest, he still can’t believe it. He’s twenty-six. This is something that happens to the elderly. He’s healthy. He’s made sure to take care of himself, so why is this happening to him?  _

_ He just doesn’t understand. _

_ On the way home, he agonizes over what to say to Nishinoya. He’s never dreaded going home to his husband before, but today he feels like he’s going to be sick. How is he supposed to tell him? _

_ He unlocks the door to the house. Surprisingly, Noya is already home, draped over the couch and engrossed in a video game. _

_ “Babe! You’re home!” Noya runs over to him. His hair is wet, making his blond fringe fall into his eyes. He’s wearing the socks Asahi knitted for his birthday and one of Asahi’s old sweatshirts. The hem is almost down his knees, but he doesn’t seem to care. Before Asahi can even get in a word of greeting, Noya climbs into his arms and places his forehead against his. He hangs his arms around Asahi’s neck, wrapping his legs around his torso. “I missed you even more than usual today. I tried making dinner, but I burnt it and almost set the smoke alarm off. We’re getting takeout tonight.” _

_ Asahi chuckles, but it comes out flatter than he meant it to. “Why’re you home so early? I wasn’t expecting to see you until late tonight.” _

_ “I didn’t have practice today, remember?” Noya’s nose scrunches. “Is something up? You normally don’t forget. And you didn’t even comment on me almost setting our house on fire.” _

_ “I just got some news at the specialist’s.” His doctor had sent him a specialist to go to in order to figure out his back pain and loss of appetite. He’d expected it to be some kind of annoying chronic illness or weird disease. Nothing like this. _

_ “Hm? Good or bad?” _

_ He sets Noya down, making Noya’s chain swing on his neck. His wedding band is too big, so he wears it under his shirt while Asahi’s fits perfectly on his finger. Asahi swallows as the gleam of metal catches his eye. What is this going to mean for them? _

_ “It’s bad,” he says, failing to keep the quiver out of his tone. Noya leads him over to the living room couch and curls up on his lap, making sure he's as close to him as possible. _

_ “What is it?” His eyes are so beautiful as they shine with concern, ready to protect Asahi at a moment’s notice like he always has, unwilling to let him fall. “Whatever it is, we’ll handle it together. That’s what we do, right?” _

_ Asahi’s heart sinks. He doesn’t want to watch the hope drain from Noya’s face, but he has no other choice except to just say it already. _

_ “I’ve got cancer, Yuu.”  _

_ He can’t bear to look at his husband, bending his head so not to look at him. Emotions swirl inside of him, too many to sort. He wants to hide, to turn away into himself where he can forget about his diagnosis. Instead, he feels Yuu’s fingers in his hair, twining into the strands, bringing him back down to Earth. _

_ “What kind?” He can’t hear any fear in Noya’s voice. It sounds like he’s asking just another question, not news that will change both their lives for the worse. _

_ “Pancreatic.” Asahi gulps. This is the part he can’t say. “S-Stage four. I’ve got a three percent-” _

_ “Don’t say that. Don’t talk about that right now.” Noya tilts Asahi’s chin up. His face is one full of confidence, his lips pressed into a thin line of determination. “You’re young. You’re strong. There’s plenty of experimental procedures out now, right? And aren’t most people who get it older?” _

_ “I-I think so. I don’t know much about it.” _

_ “That’s okay. We’ll do our research. We’re gonna get through this. I’ll go with you to the doctor. I’ll take as much time off as I can, because I’m gonna be with you every step of the way. You’re gonna get better, baby.” His husband kisses him. “Don’t give up yet, okay? Like I said, we’re in this together.” _

_ “I’m scared, Yuu. There’s gonna be chemo and radiation and even if I do live, I’m not going to be the same.” He can feel himself starting to cry, thinking of the treatments, the way they will warp him into someone he cannot recognize. _

_ Rationally, he knows his hair is just hair, but it’s always been one of the things he’s liked about himself. To think of having it gone hurts. And what of his body? He’s always been large and strong, and he’s worked hard to keep himself healthy. What will happen to him when it feels like his body no longer belongs to him, when his muscles vanish and only his skin clings to his bones? _

_ He’ll even lose his sense of smell. When will he be able to smell the flowers in their tiny garden or breathe in Noya’s scent of sweetness with a hint of smoke, the smell that always makes him feel at home? How do you keep the memory of a scent close to your heart?  _

_ What other things will he lose? _

_ Noya takes off Asahi’s glasses so he can wipe his tears away with the sleeves of the sweatshirt, no hesitation in his movements. _

_ “I’ll love you no matter what happens. With or without hair. Even when you’re weak. If you can’t walk some days or it hurts too bad, just let me know. And I’ll be there. I promise you.” He presses his body to Asahi’s. “We’re gonna get through this. It’s overwhelming now, I know. It’s okay to be anxious. But we can do it. If anyone is going to live, it’s gonna be you. I won’t let you fall. That’s my job, remember?” He kisses him again, tangling his hands deeper into Asahi’s hair. “Don’t give up so easily, Ace.” _

_ “I just feel overwhelmed,” Asahi says, still crying. Warm, fat drops roll down his face. “And I hate it. I haven’t felt like this in so long, Yuu-” _

_ “Breathe with me, Asahi. C’mon, I’m not gonna let you have a panic attack.” Noya breathes in slowly, making sure Asahi follows after him. “Exhale. Focus on me, okay? Don’t think. Don’t let your thoughts get out of control.” _

_ He breathes out. His hand finds Noya’s and he grips it as tight as he can. He can’t let go. Not when Noya keeps him anchored to the world in a way no one else ever has.  _

_ For as long as he’s known him, Yuu Nishinoya has been a crackling thunderstorm, ever-moving and changing. Sometimes, even the air around him seems to rumble with energy, the sheer force that is his husband frightening in its fierce intensity. _

_ But in the thrall of that storm, with thunder and lightning crashing around him, he has never felt safer. _

_ He breathes in sync with Noya, feeling the swell of his panic begin to taper out into nothingness, leaving a slimy trail of fear behind. He’s always been able to trust his body when his mind was too much for him to handle. Yet now his body has betrayed him, his own cells ravaging his insides. There is no longer any part of him that he can trust. _

_ “You’re overthinking again,” Noya says. “I can see it on your face.” _

_ “S-Sorry.” _

_ “Don’t apologize for it. It’s never your fault. Just slow down your thoughts, okay? Like we’ve talked about. Think one thing at a time instead of ten.” Noya keeps holding him. “I’ve got you. Take your time.” _

_ He doesn’t want to think. Instead, he focuses on the feeling of Noya’s arms around him, the way their bodies fit together. He doesn’t know how long he stays silent, his eyes closed as he immerses himself in his other senses. Eventually he nods off, and when he wakes, Nishinoya is still in the same position, slumped over him. _

_ Asahi gently picks him up and carries him into bed, setting him gently onto the mattress. His husband stirs, awoken by his movement and the rustle of sheets. _

_ “When did we get here?” He asks sleepily.  _

_ “Just a few seconds ago. I carried you.” Asahi crawls into bed beside him, Noya immediately snuggling as close as possible. _

_ “G’night, ‘Sahi.” _

_ “Goodnight, Yuu.” He shuts his eyes, preparing to fall back into sleep, but Nishinoya speaks again. _

_ “Are you aware of how much I love you?” He drapes an arm across him, making lazy circles on Asahi’s chest. _

_ “We’re married. So I guess I’m a little bit aware.” _

_ “Mm. Not aware enough for me.” Noya worms his way even closer, his skin cold against Asahi’s. “Because I’m sleepy and that makes me sappy, I’m gonna tell you something.” There’s a rare hint of hesitation in his tone. “I want you to know that I will love you no matter what happens. I’m with you forever. I’ll love you until the two of us are nothing but dust in the wind. So don’t give up. Not when I’m still with you.” _

_ Asahi swallows back another round of tears. How did someone like him get so lucky as to find a love like this, a love that will last when even the memory of them is gone?  _

_ He doesn’t know what to say in response, not when the future is too uncertain to make a promise. He finally settles on the only words he can say, words that won’t hurt either of them in the end. _

_ “I’ll try my best, my love.” _

_ Yet even as he utters his reply, Nishinoya is already asleep. _


	9. While I Say Goodbye

Bit by bit, Asahi started to slip away. Noya knew their time together was up. He could see it in the gray shade of his skin, the way he stopped eating. How Noya had to force ice chips into his mouth so he could drink without swallowing. Their days together were drawing closer to an end, the pages in the book of their life beginning to run out.

In those final days, Asahi slipped in and out of consciousness, barely registering that Noya was next to him. When he woke, it was often accompanied by shaking and a horrible, frenzied confusion. Sometimes he wouldn’t even find Nishinoya beside him, even as he cried out for him like a wounded animal.

He’d seen Asahi cry, sob so hard he’d thrown up. They’d been together long enough to see the worst parts of one another, and learned to love those pieces just the same.

But this was a different side of him, an entirely new person as the old one died. This was an Asahi who sometimes forgot where he was or why he was in this bed. This was an Asahi who became harder to recognize as his moments of lucidity became less and less. And each time he woke up, frantic and wailing until his throat was raw, another piece of Noya crumbled away.

He wondered if he had been too late to say goodbye. If the Asahi he knew and loved had faded away without him knowing, leaving only an empty husk behind. Yet despite his doubts, he couldn’t tear himself away from their bed, holding Asahi’s hand against his face as the other man slept. He was unable to leave him alone, not while his farewell repeated in his head. He just wanted Asahi to wake up, to smile at him once more and tell him he loved him, so that then he could let him go.

He longed for Asahi to stay, but not like this. Not scared and confused and hurting. He wanted their lives before hospice back, so full of hope and love. When his sweet, nervous husband was healthy again, when they could make plans and talk about their dreams. And now those grand illusions of the future were ruined, his sickness tearing them into shreds.

His husband was dying in agony, pain tearing through him as the cancer destroyed his organs. Deep down, Noya hated himself for not being able to do anything except stay by his side and try to make him comfortable. But even then, that didn’t work, not with Asahi so muddled and disoriented. For the first time in his life, Nishinoya was helpless. Prior to Asahi’s diagnosis, he’d always found a way to keep himself going when things began to spiral out of control, and now he didn’t even have that. The unshakable person he had been was gone. That version of him would die with Asahi, and he had no idea what would replace it.

How did you help a dying man when you couldn’t take away his pain? How was he supposed to keep it together with this inescapable heartbreak tearing him apart?

There were days he returned to that horrible thought in his head, wondering what the point of loving Asahi was if it was going to end like this. Wondering what would’ve happened if he hadn’t kissed him back by the swings. If maybe it would’ve been better for both of them if they had just never spoken again. He attempted to banish those thoughts as best he could, because what they had outweighed any of the pain inside him.

There were other times he thought that point of loving him didn’t matter. What mattered was that in his last moments, Asahi knew that Noya loved him. That even after Asahi was gone, he’d never stop loving him. Noya didn’t care about how many times he’d already said it, not when he needed to make up for all the years they’d miss.

In the rare moments where Asahi was awake and himself, Noya made sure to tell him as he peppered him with kisses, breathing the words with every brush of his lips. And afterward, with Asahi in his arms, Noya would whisper it to him.

_ I love you. I love you. I love you, because even now, you make me feel like I’m flying when you look at me, even after all this time. So please just keep looking at me, Asahi Azumane. Let me hold onto you and this feeling a little longer. Fly with me. _

“Do you think I’ll see you again?” Asahi asked one evening in a rare moment of consciousness. The rain pattered softly against the window as they laid in bed. He couldn’t stop staring at Asahi, committing every gesture his husband made to memory.

“I’d like to think so. But we won’t know unless it happens.” He swallowed. “I know I need it to happen.”

“I’d like you to keep traveling, my love. That way, you can tell me everything I missed if we meet again.” A lone tear dripped down Asahi’s cheek. Noya held him closer, feeling Asahi’s ribs jutting into his arms. Where hard muscle had once been, only skin and bone remained. “There were so many places I wanted to go.”

“I’ll see them all for you. I promise.” Noya reached out and kissed Asahi’s fingertips, wanting more than anything to stay in this moment. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to give you the world. If I could have, I-”

“The time we had together was enough,” he said, gently cutting Noya off. “Since the day I met you, you have been the best part of my life. You have held me and loved me like no one else has. I used to think I’d never have something like this. That I wasn’t worthy. That I wasn’t enough to stay with you. And sometimes, I wonder if maybe the reason for all of this is because maybe I’m still not enough to be with you forever.” He moved his hands to touch his face, like Noya had done as he slept. His hands were cold against his skin. He had always been so warm. Now even that had been taken away. 

“But then, I see you in my dreams,” Asahi continued, drawing Noya’s attention back to him. “And there I know it’s not my fault, because if I’m allowed to see you while I sleep, it can’t be my fault. And I’m happy there, with you. I’m not hurting. And you’re happy there, too, and you hold me just like you’ve always done.”

“Are...Are you telling me goodbye?” He forced the question out, even though he already knew the answer.

“I don’t know if I’ll be me again before I die, Yuu. So I need you to know that you’ll be with me when I dream. You’ll be with me even if I never wake up again. And I’ll be okay, even if that version of you pales in comparison.” Asahi smiled, even as Noya began to tremble against him. “I don’t know if I can call this goodbye. It’s more... things I need you to know before it’s too late. Things I need you to hear.”

“God, there’s so much I want to say to you. I want to say goodbye and be finished, so that I can let you go and you can stop hurting. But I don’t know how.” He shook in Asahi’s embrace. “I don’t want to make a mistake. Not when it could be the last thing you’ll ever hear from me.”

“I’ll know what you mean, my love. Say it however you need to. I’ll understand.”

Before he could say another word, Nishinoya felt himself begin to cry. Asahi only kissed his tears away, like Noya had done so many times before.

“I think that even if I hadn’t gone to Karasuno, I would’ve found you anyways,” he said, voice hitching as he cried. “But because you were there, I knew I loved you after that fight. When your back turned and you walked away, my heart broke, and I felt more lost than I had before. And I went home and cried, because I didn’t know if I’d ever speak to you again when I had just realized that I  _ loved _ you, my glass-hearted ace. And then everything seemed to go back to normal, and you were back on the team, but I was still in love with you. And so kissing you by the swings, when you kissed me, I’ve...I’ve never felt so relieved.” He took a moment to breathe, letting his tears drip down his face as he continued to speak.

“And even if that fight hadn’t happened, even if you didn’t live in Japan, I think we would’ve found each other in spite of it. I would’ve traveled the world to find you, Asahi. Because as soon as I knew that I was in love with you, all the pieces of my life seemed to click into place. When I went to school after you graduated, and you weren’t there to greet me-I’ve probably never felt more alone. And I know you have to leave me, so now I’m terrified of forgetting. Not you and our memories, because I can’t forget those. But your face and the way you make me feel-”

His stream of words stopped as a sob racked his body. “I don’t want to forget that,” he hiccuped into Asahi’s arms.

“It’s okay if you do,” Asahi said, his eyes welling with emotion. “I’ll be with you no matter what you forget.”

_ But I want to remember it all. The curve of your mouth, the freckles on your back, the way your hair fell over your shoulders when it was wet. I want to remember the scratch of your beard against my skin when you kissed me and how gently you held my hand in the beginning. I want to remember the way you blush when I compliment you, the way you melt every time I say I love you. I want to remember the warm feeling I get when I talk to you. Why can’t I keep every detail of you with me? Knowing I’m going to forget some of it hurts too much _ .

“Why can’t I remember all of it? I don’t want to forget any part of you or our lives together. It just isn’t fair. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to me...”

Asahi stroked his hair. “I’m okay with you forgetting. These goodbyes are only temporary, after all.”

“How do you know that? How can you say that so easily?” Asahi sounded so gentle, so sure and confident in a way he hadn’t been before.

“Because you said you’d always find me.” Asahi said as he rubbed their noses together. “And you’ve never broken a promise to me before.”

“You think I’ll find you, wherever you go?”

“If you found me here, who’s to say you won’t find me there? Wherever it is.” Now they both started to cry, their tears blending on their faces. “Just don’t meet me too soon, love. I need you to tell me everything. I need you to see everything I didn’t get to.”

“What if there’s nothing to tell? What if there’s nothing beyond here?”  _ How are you so brave right now, when you’re the one dying? _

“Then it’ll be like you said two years ago. We’ll be dust in the wind, and you’ll love me the same as you do now. And I’ll have known that you loved me, and you’ll know I’ll love you.” Asahi held him. Noya pulled him closer, wrapping his arms and legs into Asahi’s until there was no space between them. Deep in their hearts, they both knew this was the true goodbye, perhaps the last words they’d say to each other before Asahi died.

Neither of them were letting go.

Asahi was cold, so cold against him despite all the blankets piled on top of them. And yet his face, even as gray as it was, was shining with emotion. He touched the ring at the base of Noya’s throat and didn’t say anything more, listening to the thumping of his heartbeat instead.

“You were the best risk I ever took,” Noya said. Asahi kissed his brow. Pressed their foreheads together so they could look into the other’s eyes, brown and gold meeting for one last look at the other.

“Thank you for loving me, Yuu Nishinoya.”

“Will you be here when I wake up?” He felt himself falling asleep, even as his body screamed at him to stay awake, to stay here with Asahi just a little longer.

“I think so.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to make any more promises to me, Asahi.”

There was nothing more he could say, nothing he could do except hold Asahi closer. The dream of their lives was ending, flickering out like a distant star.

Asahi nestled his face into Noya’s hair. “I’ll be fine. I’ll dream of you like I always have. So rest now, my love.”

And at last, concealed in the safety of Asahi’s body, Noya decided to let him go.

He awoke as the starlight began to fade. Out of the two of them, he’d always been the one to wake first, whether it was in the early hours of morning or the dead of the night. He would watch Asahi as the sun rose, looking at the way its rays illuminated him. Even then, he was beautiful.

But as he studied the small half-smile on Asahi’s face, something felt different. His skin was cold and he seemed grayer than the night prior. And in the curve of his mouth, his lips parted ever so slightly, there was no color to his face. And even pressed against him, he couldn’t feel the steady murmur of Asahi’s heartbeat.

_ No. No, no, no. It wasn’t supposed to be just after we said goodbye. There was supposed to be more time. _

“Asahi?” He felt himself say as he shook his husband. “Asahi, please. Wake up.” He wasn’t thinking. He just needed him to look at him, to say something again. To crack open his eyes and make a joke about sleeping like the dead.

But Noya already knew he wouldn’t.

Slowly, he pulled away from Asahi’s embrace. Forced himself to climb out of the bed. To walk out of the bedroom. He’d memorized the number he needed to call, but he couldn’t grab his phone. Not yet. All he could was sit on the couch and bury his face in his hands. He finally made himself stop holding his breath, exhaling raggedly.

_ I thought I let you go. So why does it hurt so bad? Why am I still surprised that you’re gone? Were you waiting to say goodbye to me, too, before you left? _

He curled his knees to his chest, making himself as small as possible. He thought he’d prepared for Asahi not to wake up again. He thought he was prepared for the aftermath of losing him. But like so many things in his life, he was wrong. He searched inside himself, longing to scream and cry. To find any kind of emotion that wasn’t numbed by grief.

He wasn’t surprised to find nothing at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this chapter three times in order to make it feel right. I did tone down some of Asahi's symptoms at the end because they were too much for me to write about. Losing a loved one is so painful and raw, and I wanted to convey that emotion in the way I knew. Thank you for reading and supporting this story <3


	10. Interlude: The Dream

_ Asahi always knows when he’s dreaming. His body doesn’t quite feel like his own, but it’s the way he remembers it. How he wants it to be, before he grew weak from illness. It’s muscled and broad, his long hair flowing down his back and getting into his eyes. In these dreams, he doesn’t care about how blurry the edges of his vision are, because he can move just like he did before. There’s no pain in his legs or in his abdomen that makes it hard to move. While he sleeps, he can be himself again. _

_ He doesn’t remember falling into this dream. He looks around, inhaling the faint scent of flowers, his toes curling into the soil beneath his feet. The world is painted in the colors of dusk, purples and blues washing across the sky. Vines hang in the trees around him, and it takes him a minute to realize he’s in a lush garden, one completely overgrown by nature. He can’t quite taste the air on his tongue, but even so, it doesn’t feel like any dream he’s been in before. It’s as if his mind is putting all of its remaining strength into making this setting as close to reality as possible. _

_ Immediately, he begins to look for Yuu. He steps tentatively through the garden and its narrow paths, careful not to disturb any of the flowers in his path. They’re not like any flowers he’s ever seen before, their petals too large and bright to be natural. Of course flowers in his dreams aren’t going to be identical to the ones he knows in the real world. After all, they’re something he’s come up on his own, his brain constructing each petal from memory. He feels himself smile, happy to have created something beautiful again. These flowers will never be seen by anyone else, not like the fabrics he lovingly crafted into clothes, but it’s still enough to bring him joy. _

_ He squats in order to take a leaf and rubs it between his fingers. He knows exactly what a leaf should feel like, but the pads of his fingers feel none of the usual velvety softness. It just doesn’t feel like anything. He can feel its shape in his hands and see each of the veins on its surface, but it’s like he’s holding a thin clump of air rather than a leaf. _

_ Despite its flaws, this dreamscape is more vivid than anything he’s ever been in before. He unfurls himself from his crouch and continues to walk along the path, grass brushing at his ankles. He thinks he sees flashes of Nishinoya, pale skin and dark hair flitting between the trees, but nothing comes forward to greet him. He keeps walking, soaking up the joy and wonder of this strange garden that only exists in his dreams, knowing that Noya will appear eventually. He always has. _

_ In his past dreams, Noya has always been present, appearing clearly in a crowd of gray, faceless people in the streets of the city or out from the bottom of the sea as Asahi drowns. His dreams with Noya have always been so full of wonder and beauty. Sometimes they’re more than a little frightening. Still, this one feels far more fantastical than any of its predecessors. _

_ He wonders if this is the last dream he’ll ever have.  _

_ “Yuu?” He calls. His voice echoes ever so slightly, carried by the breeze. “Are you there, love?” _

_ From behind him, someone pokes his shoulder. Asahi whips around, but nobody’s there to reveal the source of the teasing. He hears a faint snicker that is so clearly his lover’s, and he breaks into a smile. Even in his dreams, he’s got no control over the absolute force of a being that is Yuu Nishinoya. _

_ After a beat of scanning between the trees for another sighting of Noya, there’s another tap on his shoulder. Instead of turning around, he waits, feeling breath on his ear. _

_ “You’ve gotta catch me first, ‘Sahi.” Yuu laughs against his neck, a high-pitched sound of sheer delight. When Asahi turns again, there’s nothing to indicate that Yuu was ever there. A chuckle peals from deeper into the forest. _

_ Following the sound of his husband’s laughter, he starts to run deeper and deeper into the garden, spotting flashes of Yuu out of the corner of his eye as the other man weaves in between the tree trunks. _

_ God, it feels so good to run and move again without being in pain. His legs pump beneath him as he sprints through the trees, his body somehow knowing where to go. Faint orbs of light guide his way, pathways opening up as bushes and trees bend away so he can sprint through them uninhibited. As he runs, exhilarated by the chase, his face breaks into a smile. _

_ This is the man he was before. The person he longs to be again, even though he knows that’s far from possible now. He remembers sprints with Noya while Daichi yelled at them to go faster, sneaking lovestruck glances at the libero while the other boy wasn’t looking. He can almost feel the sting of the volleyball in his palm again, all his memories coming back in full force. In this dream, he is the ace of Karasuno again, a crow about to take to the skies once more. _

_ He follows the lights, wondering how deep this garden in his mind will go. He passes speckled mushrooms, tree trunks covered in squishy moss, and even more blooming flowers. Occasionally he hears the sound of a stream, its water babbling just like in a storybook. _

_ This garden is the exact sort of place he longed to visit with Yuu before his diagnosis, he realizes. This place is one they could both find things to revel in. Asahi would study the flowers while Noya would climb trees to pick fruit to give to him, not caring about the legality of any of it. An unwelcome sorrow pierces his chest as he realizes that his lover will never see this place with him. The version of Nishinoya he’s chasing after is still false, no matter how real it seems. _

_ He wonders what the real Noya is dreaming as he sleeps in his arms; if there’s any way they could be having the same dream at once. Somehow, he knows this will be his last experience. That after it ends, he will go somewhere he can’t come back from. _

_ But rather than the fear he’s felt for the past two years of his life, he feels only relief. He was able to say goodbye, to kiss his husband one last time. He’s not hurting anymore. _

_ He can go now. _

_ Too late, he spots Noya up ahead, his back to him. His hair is unspiked, making him look far smaller and softer than he normally does. Unable to slow his pace, Asahi crashes into him, sending both of them tumbling into the soil like the very first time they met. _

_ “Sorry,” he murmurs. Beneath him, Noya giggles. Unlike everything else in the dream, his husband is warm and tangible. He can feel Noya’s body below his, all lean muscle and sharp angles like he knows it to be. He rolls off, and Noya takes his hand as they lay sprawled beside each other in the dirt. _

_ “You got me,” Noya says. “I might’ve helped you win, though. Didn’t want to make you run for too long, so I stood there like an idiot” _

_ “You just got bored of me chasing you.” He squeezes Noya’s hand. “But I think I still should get something for winning.” _

_ “How about a kiss?” Noya scootches closer, kissing Asahi firmly. Their kisses are the same in the dream as they are in real life, full of energy and warmth. He pulls Noya on top of him, tangling his fingers in his hair, and allows himself to forget that this is just a dream. _

_ After separating his mouth from Asahi’s with plenty of reluctance, Noya drags him to his feet. _

_ “C’mere. There’s something I want to show you.” Noya leads him up a rocky path to the edge of the forest, to the end of a grassy cliff. Asahi watches as Noya steps off the cliff, his feet staying solidly in the air as he floats above the world. “Walk with me. I won’t let you fall.” _

_ He’s not surprised at this new turn of events. It’s a dream, after all, and one of the most pleasant he’s ever experienced. _

_ Asahi puts a single foot out, finding purchase in the air. He keeps stepping forward, following Noya as they walk across the sky. Noya leads him, his fingers entwined with Asahi’s. _

_ Eventually, they stop, surveying the forest below. The trees are no more than puffy blobs of green from this high up, the fields of massive flowers splotches of color from under their feet. He can see the ribbons of blue water from the streams, all sorts of clearings where they could rest together before nightfall. He longs to sleep under the stars on a bed of moss, with Noya tucked in his embrace. _

_ “There’s no night. It’s always dusk here,” Noya says, reading his thoughts. “So as much as I’d like to do that, forget about it. I brought you up here to do something else.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “Isn’t it obvious?” Noya smiles impishly, then leaps into the air with all the strength he has. _

_ The force of his jump takes Asahi with him, causing him to yelp. Noya twists his body around so he can catch him in his arms. Asahi buries his face in his chest, clutching him as tight as possible. The wind rushes in his ears. He can sense them falling towards the treetops, his hair streaming out behind him. If this were real life, he’d be so afraid he could vomit. But because this is a dream, perhaps the last one he’ll ever have, he slowly looks up from the safety of Noya’s body. _

_ Whatever he was going to say catches in his throat.  _

_ The dusk is absolutely beautiful, clouds catching the remaining rays of sun. With the sky above and the earth below, he can see the whole world at once. All the colors of the sky and the ground are before him, the horizon nothing more than a thin line between the planes of the earth. He releases his hold on Noya and they float together, facing one another. _

_ “Take my hand.” Noya extends his hand towards Asahi, a gentle grin on his face. “Fly with me.” _

_ He knows that this is the end. He knew before he even stepped into this dream that he wouldn’t be returning to the life he knows. He’d be a fool not to take Noya’s hand now. _

_ Asahi stretches out his arm, their fingers interweaving. He knows Yuu’s hand, can find every callus and scar on its surface. This is the hand of the person who loves him; the person who is his home in every sense of the word. Of course it will be the thing to guide him to somewhere strange and unfamiliar. Yuu will be with him wherever he goes. He can only hope it'll be the same in the world he left behind. _

_ So as he holds Noya’s hand, he lets himself slip away. _


	11. To Be Without You

Noya didn’t remember the funeral, instead choosing to block it from his memory. He knew he was there, did everything he needed to as Asahi’s husband. But as soon as he climbed into the car with Daichi and Suga, he erased all of it from his head. He didn’t want to remember Asahi as a lifeless corpse. He wanted to hold onto his husband’s smile and his love. To think of his lover as just a body was too painful to bear.

He couldn’t return to their house yet, not even to gather his things or some spare clothing. Daichi did that for him, returning with a bundle of clothes and one of Asahi’s old sweatshirts. Noya didn’t take it off. Not when the smell of Asahi was already starting to fade.

He curled up on the couch of Daichi and Suga’s home for three days, still wearing his dress clothes under the sweatshirt and longing for Asahi’s warmth once again. It had been years since he’d last slept alone, not since he’d returned to Japan and to Asahi. The space around him was so cold. Empty. Asahi was always so large, his body full of heat, and now all of that was gone. Nishinoya was alone.

When he slept, he dreamed of nothing, and whenever he woke to find a blanket draped over him, he returned to the darkness of his sleep. He didn’t know how long he spent on their sofa, pretending to be asleep even as his friends went about their day. He stayed in Asahi’s pullover, unwilling to move away from this little corner of the world where he could wallow in his pain.

They left food out for him. He didn’t eat any of it, only taking the glasses of water they’d left for him to drink. When he woke again to find a takeout menu on the table beside him, he tossed it to the ground. At one point, there was a note from Suga saying that Gari-Gari Kun was in the freezer for whenever he wanted it. He’d simply shoved the slip of paper into his pocket, unwilling to open the freezer and see the bright blue packaging. How many times had he eaten one of those by Asahi’s side, walking home from practice or in his bedroom at home? The other man had always brought the ice cream as a surprise despite complaining about Noya eating it way too fast.

It seemed like everything held a memory. It was easier to go back to sleep than to remember.

What was the point of doing anything? Asahi’s ashes were already buried. There was no way he was coming back. He’d left Noya alone. Maybe it wasn’t on purpose, but he’d still left. And Noya couldn’t protect him or persuade him to come back. Asahi was dead. Maybe it wasn’t either of their faults, but there were still things he could’ve done. He could’ve told Asahi to go to the doctor’s more often. Convinced him to try more experimental treatments. But Noya didn’t do any of that when he had the chance. He couldn’t help but feel partially responsible for his death. 

He couldn’t be bothered to care about anything else, even as the emails from his coach about continuing this season began to pile up. He knew Ryuu had left plenty of missed calls, that there were texts from all of his friends asking if he needed to talk. But he didn’t want to talk or care or even feel. He just wanted to curl up and escape from all of it, hoping to see Asahi in his dreams like his husband had said.

But Noya couldn’t dream of anything. He just kept sleeping and sleeping as his mind faded in and out of darkness, longing to see Asahi again in any form before his face became blurred in Noya’s memory.

He’d thought nightmares had a different shape than this. They were supposed to be terrifying, to make him feel something. Instead his nightmare dug into his insides, filling his body with nothing but emotionless sludge as his grief made him forget.

He expected grief to feel different, like a hot knife twisting into his gut. But grief wasn’t sharp at all. It didn’t stab at him constantly like he thought it would. Instead, it contaminated the air he breathed with its poison. The more he breathed, taking more of it into his lungs, the sicker it made him. He didn’t know what would be left of him when it was done. Maybe there wouldn’t be anything left. Maybe his grief would erase the man who loved Asahi Azumane and let him forget. He wouldn’t be able to hurt anymore if he forgot everything. He couldn’t decide if that would be better or worse.

At the end of the third day, Suga forced him to take a shower, dragging him off of the couch and into the bathroom. Suga was hot-blooded; one of the few people who could force Noya to do anything using only the tone of his voice. But instead of yelling, something that would’ve forced Noya to respond, he just stood in the bathroom doorway with his face full of pity. Noya made no move to hide his lack of resistance, just looked over his shoulder at his friend.

“Take your time,” Suga said, then shut the door behind him.

Noya slowly stripped out of his funeral clothes and sat down on the tiled floor with his head between his knees, letting the water wash over his shoulders and into the drain even after it turned ice-cold. Even with the water droplets dripping down his face, he couldn’t pretend to cry. All he could do was sit, staring at his warped reflection in the faucet. When he stepped out, the clothes he had left on the floor were gone. Only Asahi’s sweatshirt remained, unwashed and neatly folded on the edge of the counter.

He caught sight of himself in the mirror then. His cheekbones were sunken into his face, dark circles cutting into his under eyes. Even the bleached section of his hair seemed faded, the darkness of his roots beginning to show. Noya was reminded then, of another man looking in the mirror, unfamiliar with the new shape of his body.

He turned away, getting dressed as quickly as he could.

When he exited the bathroom, Daichi made him broth, full of pork and vegetables cooked in the way he liked, then returned to him to the couch.

He sat with his mug of soup heating his hands and listened to his friends speak about things like therapy and grief counseling and how they’d take as much time off as they could to be with him. He let them say what they needed to say and told them what they wanted to hear, but he wasn’t listening.

“I was going to move in with Ennoshita,” Noya said. “For a little bit at least.”

“We told him you’d stay with us for a while. He understood, with how you are right now. He spoke to you about it at the funeral, remember?”

_No._ “Why? I’m fine. I can do things.” _Liar. You can’t do shit. You can’t even take care of yourself right now._

“Noya, we’re worried about you.” Suga placed his own mug of soup onto the table. “You’ve slept for three days, you’re not eating. And we know you’re grieving, so let us help you. We lost Asahi too. You’re not alone.”

“I know I’m not,” Noya said. “But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s gone _._ Nothing will.” He longed to scream, to bang his fists against the table and then wail as hard as he could because the love of his life was _dead._

But the only words he could make come out were flat and lifeless.

Asahi really was dead. Not gone. Not lost. Not “passed away.” Asahi was dead. Nothing more than just a bunch of ashes under the ground. There was no way he was coming back to Noya, no sudden miraculous recovery. He was _dead_. 

And even though he refused to remember any of it, Noya knew he had watched him burn. It flashed into his memory, those horrible visions of that body sliding into the furnace. He flinched. _Please don’t make me remember. Please, I can’t think of that._

“Noya?” Suga was staring at him, concern written across his face. “What are you thinking of?”

“He’s just ashes now,” Noya mumbled, wishing tears would flow from his eyes. “And I can’t think of him like that. I can’t think of him as dead.”

Suga moved from the chair to the couch, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders. Daichi sat down on the opposite side, putting a hand on his shoulder to let him know he was safe, that he could speak.

“I told him I wouldn’t be alone. And I know that I’ve got everybody here. That we’re all grieving. But it doesn’t change the fact that I still feel like this.” He gazed into his mug of soup, watching the vegetables float on the surface. “I felt it before, but he kept it away. And now he’s dead and there’s nothing to stop me from feeling like this. So instead of feeling nothing, I just want to go back to sleep and pretend I’m okay.” Silence fell over the group.

“Do you feel like yourself?” Suga finally asked. His expression was so open, so earnest that there was no hiding from him.

Noya couldn’t answer; could only shake his head.

Who was he now? He wasn’t the Guardian Deity. He certainly didn’t feel like Yuu Nishinoya anymore. That was a man who was strong and confident, always quick to joke and laugh. A man who never stopped moving. A man who loved fiercely and fought for what he wanted. Now only fragments of that man remained. So who was he now, while his grief was overtaking him?

“I don’t know,” he said. “I really don’t.” He felt his friends draw him into a hug, reassuring Noya that they weren't going anywhere.

“That’s okay,” Daichi said. “We weren’t expecting you to. But we’re going to get through this together. All of us. We’re all with you, Noya.”

_Thank you._ Maybe with them, he could pretend that he wasn't drowning. Maybe he could hold onto them, proving to the dark parts of himself that he wasn't alone.

While Daichi and Suga went to the kitchen to clean up the dishes, Noya curled back under the blanket, pulling the fabric over his head. Maybe it was childish, but it felt safer under here, like he could be protected from his own horrible thoughts.

“I miss you so much,” he murmured into the fabric. “What’s wrong with me, Asahi? I can’t even dream of you anymore.”

He half-expected to hear the low, reassuring rumble of Asahi’s voice in his ear, telling him that this was going to pass eventually. That he was here and he wasn’t going anywhere.

It hurt even more when he was met with silence.

A few weeks later, Noya found himself on a train to the Tokyo outskirts, where their house was. He hadn’t meant it to happen. He’d just been out for a walk and had found himself drawn to the train station, and before he knew it, he was staring out the window, watching Miyagi recede into the distance and typing out a quick text to his friends to let them know where he’d gone.

He walked down the familiar paths of their tiny neighborhood, a cloth bag he’d bought at the station slung over his shoulder. He already had the keys, which had been on Daichi and Suga’s counter since the funeral. Subconsciously, maybe he had wanted to go back. Otherwise, why had he put the keys in the pocket of his shorts that day?

He stopped at the gate, exhaling. Everything about their home was so wonderfully familiar. They’d picked it out themselves, loving its high ceilings for Asahi and its amount of open spaces for Noya. But with only Noya returning to its doorstep, it felt far lonelier than it had before.

Noya walked up the little stone patio he had bricked himself, kicking his shoes off at the door. It was cold inside, but it smelled like it always had, even if the air was a little staler. He walked through its rooms, staring at the photos of Asahi and him on the walls. 

His fingers touched the glass of one in particular- Asahi in Vienna, the day Noya proposed. They’d been sitting at a tiny cafe table, and Noya had caught Asahi throwing his head back in laughter, his hair cascading down his back. When had he seen Asahi laugh like that in these past six months?

“I know you’re better now,” he said to the photograph. “I know you’re not hurting anymore. But I still miss you so much, ‘Sahi. This place is so little without you here.” Noya pulled his hand away, continuing to look around. He’d thought coming to the house would hurt more, but it was more akin to coming back into a welcoming embrace.

He found Asahi’s ring on the kitchen table. They’d taken it off before the funeral, meaning for it to go to Noya. It was much the same as when he’d found it in that little Cairo shop all those years ago, the metal still glimmering in the light. His own ring still hung on its chain around his neck, gold to Asahi’s silver. His had been too big, but the rings were a matched set and far too perfect to let go. 

Noya picked up the band, cupping it in his palm. He unclipped his necklace, careful not to let the ring that was already there drop onto the floor, and slid Asahi’s ring onto the chain to join its companion. His husband’s ring dwarfed his in size, and they fit together easily, gold nestled within silver.

He clasped the necklace back on and continued his journey through the house. When he saw the bedroom door, shut at the end of the hallway, a lump formed in his throat. Still, he crept to the room, his hand turning the knob before he could think about what he was doing.

Someone had made the bed in his absence. Probably Suga. Otherwise, the room was exactly as he had left it. Vases of cloth flowers still adorned the shelves. Noya’s half of the room was still as disorganized as ever, one of the drawers of his wardrobe left half-open. He knew that if he studied Asahi’s room, he’d find everything neatly folded, Asahi’s stacks of cardigans and pullovers sorted lovingly into drawers.

But he wasn’t in this room to look at clothes. Hell, Noya wasn’t even sure what he was doing here.

Before he knew it, he was laying on the bed.

The sheets still smelled like Asahi. He rolled over and pressed his face to them, inhaling the scent of spice and cologne. He’d thought he’d never smell it again, that smell of love and home. He thought he’d lost it forever. But yet it still lingered, faded as it was. 

The tears he’d held back for almost a month came slowly, rolling from his eyes in uneven waves and wetting the cloth below.

“You’re okay now, my love,” he whispered. “You’re okay.”

Two years of treatments. Two years of uncertainty. Two years of Asahi being at his worst, wasting away day by day. And now it was over. All of it was finished. And as painful as it was, now the man he loved wasn’t hurting anymore.

As much as he wanted him back, he couldn’t help but finally feel relieved.

He didn’t sob, even as the dam that held his emotions broke; even as that horrible, horrible weight lifted off his chest. He didn’t scream or wail as he realized how exhausted he truly was. 

He just cried. Cried for the years they’d lost, at the pain Asahi had gone through; cried until everything inside of him began to feel the same. Cried because Asahi had left his glass heart in Noya’s safekeeping, still trusting not to let it go even after he was gone.

“Hey, Ace. Keep waiting for me, okay? I’ll be a while.” He wrapped himself in Asahi’s lingering scent, holding it close to his heart. “But I promise you that you’ll see me again.”

He only hoped that Asahi could hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never know what to put in these notes, but I just wanted to say thank you so much for reading this story <3
> 
> Also, there were a few reasons I cut out the funeral, but the primary reason is that I am not Japanese, and funerals of any culture are an intimate affair that I didn't feel comfortable writing about as a foreigner.


	12. Epilogue: Dust in the Wind

Yuu Nishinoya spends his New Year differently from everyone else. He’s never been one for temple visits, and the festivals haven’t felt the same for the past three years. So it’s no big deal to him that instead of partaking in holiday activities with his friends and family, he spends his day at the cemetery.

The hike up the stone steps is cold and quiet. By the time he arrives at the top, his ears and nose are red from the chill, his favorite knitted scarf wrapped tightly around his face. He loves the scenery of the cemetery, how green it is despite the winter. And he loves the quiet of it, too, the silence pulling him into his own private world. Noya loves loud, bustling places and crowded streets, but this is different. When it’s quiet, he can pretend it’s just the two of them once again.

He arrives at his destination, practically tiptoeing around the other stones. He sits on the ground in front of it and carefully places his bag beside him. When he sits, his eyes are level with the words engraved across the gravestone.

_ Asahi Azumane. _

“Hey, baby,” he says, reaching out to touch the kanji sunken into the stone. “Happy birthday.” He lightly traces Asahi’s name with his finger as he speaks. “You’re thirty today, so I didn’t want to let today go by without getting you anything, so I brought you some stuff.”

Now Noya unzips the bag, a smile playing across his lips. First, he pulls out flowers, ones he’s just gotten at the stand at the entrance. The seller had Asahi’s favorite today. He replaces the drooping and wilted blooms with fresh ones, the light orange petals vibrant in the backdrop of winter. Then he begins to clean the gravestone, picking away the weeds and dirt around it and scrubbing at the stone’s surface. It’s an intimate ritual, one he performs every time he comes to visit. Soon, the headstone is even shinier than before. Noya sits back, admiring his handiwork.

“That’s way better now. Who’d have ever thought I could clean, huh?” He laughs to himself, disturbing the silence of the cemetery. He doesn’t care who hears. Right now, he’s the only person in the world.

Next, he pulls out a cup of tonkotsu ramen, Asahi’s favorite. He’s made it himself, boiling the broth for eight hours. After Asahi passed, he taught himself how to cook, and the man who once burned everything has found himself enjoying shaping onigiri and creating his own noodle recipes. If he shuts his eyes, he can pretend he’s at a picnic with Asahi once again, enjoying the food Noya cooked.

He eats in front of the grave, slurping the noodles and pouring a bit of broth on the dirt in front of him. He’d leave the whole cup there, but he doesn’t want any kind of animal to come by and take Asahi’s gift, nor does he want to eat all of it by himself.

“So,” He says, continuing to speak around a mouthful of noodles. “There’s some stuff I need to tell you. Hayami’s growing up so fast right now-she looks so much like Kiyoko it’s crazy. Ryuu loves being a dad, ‘Sahi. I’ll come over and find the two of them asleep on the couch, waiting for Kiyoko to come home. They’re thinkin’ about another one, but Kiyoko’s managing the store right now and doesn’t want to take time off for another baby.” Realizing he’s forgetting something, he begins to rummage through his bag.

“Oh, hey! And I meant to tell you. I brought one of her drawings for you. She made it for your birthday. Told me to give it to you and make sure you got it.” He pulls out the sheet of paper, lovingly covered with scribbles of marker. The drawing is in the vague shape of...something. Maybe a birthday cake?

“Not gonna lie, I don’t know what it’s supposed to be. But she made it for you, so I’m gonna leave it here.” He presses the paper against the stone, then curls up and rests his chin against his knees. “Everyone’s doing really good right now, baby. Our little Yachi just got engaged to that girl she’s been dating the past few years. Y’know, the sculptor? The wedding’s gonna be around October, so I’ll come back to update you about it, okay? I’ll tell you everything.” Remembering his own proposal, he touches the rings at the base of his throat, still nestled together after three years. 

“Honestly, everybody else is about the same. Hinata’s planning on taking me and Kageyama to Brazil for Carnival this year. He surprised me with plans for it a few days ago.”

Noya pauses. After three years, there’s still a lump in his throat when he thinks of doing things without Asahi. “I wish you were still here to go with me. I just want to go on another tour of the world again, to get away from it all. I miss traveling with you so, so much. Rio was even on our bucket list, remember? But if I start traveling again, that means leaving you and the kiddos behind.”

After quitting volleyball, he’s started coaching for elementary-aged kids. Without Asahi by his side, he didn’t think he’d return to the sport he loves so much. But gradually, he found himself longing to be on the court once again. Now, he’s perfectly fine on the sidelines. The kids are enough to render even Nishinoya exhausted.

“I suppose I could take a small break from work. But I’m fine where I am right now, I think. I just really, really miss you. It still really hurts some days.”

Sometimes the Asahi-shaped hole in his life seems impossibly large. When he comes home from work, he still thinks of telling Asahi about his day. Even now, he finds himself seeking warmth from Asahi’s side of the bed, waking with a pillow clutched in his arms in the same way he used to hold his lover. Even after he began to heal from his grief, the bed still felt impossibly cold, and his heartstrings twisted each time he reached over to find only the sheets. There are nights he still reaches for Asahi and his heart still hurts, but all of that is to be expected. He’s not afraid to talk about it anymore.

Even on the good days, Asahi continues to lurk in the back of his mind, forever slipping into his thoughts. Not a day goes by when he doesn’t think of him. He will be thinking of Asahi Azumane for the rest of his life. Of his smile, his laugh, the way his eyes were always so soft and caring.

“I wish you could come back for just one day. Just one. Sometimes I don’t know how I’m going to live the rest of my life without you. And I know I’m not alone and I’ve got everybody backing me up, but that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I get lonely without you here,” he admits. “We were so different. But you always understood me. And for some stupid reason, you had to die. And now it feels like nobody else will do the same.” He doesn’t shake or cry, not like he did in the first or even second year he visited. Now, he only speaks, accepting he will never hear a response, hoping Asahi is listening from somewhere.

“I guess I could fall in love again, but it wouldn’t be the same. No one could ever replace you, and I don’t think I’d want them to. It wouldn’t be fair to them, because I’ll never love another person like I loved you.” He tilts his head back, looking at the gray winter clouds floating above them. “You weren’t my first love. But you were the only one that mattered.”

Noya reaches into the backpack, pulling out two ice creams in his and Asahi’s favorite flavors. He eats them both in the winter chill, imagining he can hear his voice again, low and filled with concern about Noya eating too fast. After finishing his own, he eats Asahi’s slower, placing the wooden sticks on the grass in front of the grave.

How many times did they eat those together after practice, licking the ice cream while they held hands? How many had Asahi bought him over the years, bringing it whenever Noya felt sick or sad? How many times had Asahi kissed away the remaining sweetness on his lips?

“Happy birthday, Asahi,” he says again. “I hope you can see me right now, wherever you might be. And I hope you’re proud of me, baby.” He scoots closer, touching his forehead to the tombstone, the rock cold against his skin. “I love you. That hasn’t changed since you’ve been gone, and it won’t change when I visit next. But I think you know that.” He slowly stands up, hoisting his bag back over his shoulder. He turns away, seeking out one last look at the grave over his shoulder. Then, Yuu Nishinoya leaves, beginning the long trek down the steps on the cemetery hill so he can return to the world he knows.

Someday, not for a long time yet, Noya will be right beside Asahi on this quiet hill, their names both engraved on the stones. Someday those names will be erased by the rain and the wind. Someday, all the memories of them will fade into dust.

Someday they’ll be together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally over. And damn, it hurts a lot. Thank you so, so much for reading.


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